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Asian Children Financially Supporting Parents
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Him of Make Love Not Debt just recently wrote about Asian Culture and Finances and the concept of children supporting their parents and asked that I share my own thoughts on the subject.
I don’t feel compelled to “pay my parents back for raising me” nor do my parents feel as though they should be “paid back for raising me,” however, I do whatever they ask because they’re my parents – not because I feel obligated because they raised me. At the moment I don’t send money home not because I’m a derelict son but because my parents didn’t ask me to, if they did I would certainly send money home. If my parents did need money, I’d send it in a heartbeat; I very much believe in the concept that everything is the family’s money. What I make goes into a pot that can be used for anyone else in the family, it just happens to be in an account with my name on it (or in an account with someone else’s name on it).
The thing is, every family dynamic in every culture is different. Take for example the story of Mai, who was laid off and still spent $6,000 on his parents for a vacation package to China. In my family, if I was laid off, the last thing my parents would want me to do is spend $6k so they could go on a trip to China. I don’t know if that out of responsibility or what, but in my family it wouldn’t be something that made sense. No job and you spend $6k on anything (let alone a vacation for anyone, you can always wait until next year after a job has been secured)? That just wouldn’t fly. (Of course, that story might be a little overblown just to get in the papers but whatever)
How does this work with my fiancee, who isn’t Asian? It better jive just fine because that’s the way it is.
Just kidding. 
She’s fine with it because her sense of family is just as strong as mine, though the basic ground rules are slightly different as one would expect from a different family and a different culture. She’s a very caring and generous person, even to strangers, and so if you ask for her opinion of caring for someone who is actually related to you, it’s a no-brainer. I don’t think I could marry someone who wasn’t. (Crowd: Awww…)
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I have the same view as you. As an Asian American male, I find that my money is just as much my parents as it is mine. In fact. My parents trust me enough to invest 100k+ of their money on behalf of them. If and when they need me (energy, time, and resource), I’d be there for them in a heartbeat.
I am a first-generation Indian immigrant and can certainly relate to this topic.
For my grandparents’ generation, having children was a way of securing their financial future, since the children were expected to take care of their parents. In my parents’ generation, there are not many who expect their children to literally take care of them, but I am sure they expect their kids to help them if they are in financial need. As for me, I have no expectation of financial “payback” from my US-born children. I am sure that it will be hard enough for them to secure their own financial future, let alone having to worry about their parents.
I set up a joint savings account and each month I deposit a small amount in there. I tell my parents if they ever need money to just take it out of there.
To date they still haven’t touched it, but the idea is just so ingrained in me that I do it out of habit…also because most of my other Asian friends do as well. So I guess the peer pressure thing really kicks in!
Right on, my brotha. My parents still send up to their parents. I would send money “up” the chain if it was needed, but nowadays it’s more like “just make sure I don’t end up in a nursing home some day”.
I agree, my fiancee didn’t grow up in 1st-generation immigrant either, but she still has the same family values as me. Of course, I’m sure this sense of family is all over the place, it just feels like it’s getting rarer and rarer huh? Gotta stop watching the news.
My parents don’t ask for money but I force them to let me pitch in anyway.
By helping them out, my parents’ living standard is higher. It just doesn’t feel right if I am out wasting money on material goods when my parents are barely surviving on their minimum incomes.
What? Jim, I didn’t know you were Asian.
With my parents I think there is an aspect of parent/child mentality that would never allow me to help them out financially. I don’t know if it is a saving face thing, but I don’t think my dad would ever come to me to ask for help if he was in a financial pickle. No doubt, I would offer to help, but I think my parents would want to shield me as much as they can to not be a burden on me or my sister. I don’t know if this is a common theme in Japanese culture.
My fiancée on the other hand, who comes from a Chinese culture, would probably be expected to help her parents in times of need. Both of us are totally willing to help either of our families if they needed it. The question is whether they would verbalize it and eventually accept the help.
I think asian families do have a different attitude towards money, it’s more “it’s all in the family” attitude. I think in general that’s good thing if it’s done right. I mean I try to help my parents out whenever I can. They don’t ask for it nor do they expect it. But I think I owe it to them. Being in somewhat typical immigrant family, they worked hard so I’d have it pretty good. And I have it pretty good. Why wouldn’t I want to give them something back if I can? But here’s the rub, if they expected that I was obligated then I might be less inclined. I mean it’s like wedding gift (or at least how I feel about wedding gifts). Gifts are not an obligation, but you should give one. Giving a gift is right, but not giving one isn’t wrong.
Asian parents pay for their kids’ college tuition, some even pay for graduate school. Asian parents expect their kids to pay pack in return.
However, the youngest generation in Asia have a hard time for financial secure themselves. The Asian parents do not expect much as last generation.
As a WASP American this concept is foreign to my experience. My parents would never accept cash from me. They won’t even let me pay for food if I’m with them. American parents have a mentality that they are supposed to care for their children through life. Likewise, I also believe too many American children are very self centered and have an unhealthy sense of entitlement.
Obviously children usually end up caring for their parents in some capacity at old age. However due to American’s strong sense of independence combined with the break up of so many traditional family units, I believe this sense is declining.
Not trying to stereotype, but I’m wondering what percent of Asians that give back work in some kind of family owned business?
All the time, everyone does it. You take your parents into your home. I’ll probably do it, but I hope I have enough to buy my mom a house. I know lots of asian couples who have bought second and third homes for their parents to live in. Guess that’s where my idea is coming from, and DH well he is completely in line with it, only he suggested NEXT DOOR! ugh, everybody loves raymond…nuts.
You know my parents gave me a college education, but I grew up with my grandparents living off my parents. So that’s all I know. DH is in line with this thought because his parents helped his grandparents as well. So we’re basically broke right now saving for 3 homes, when normal people would say are you nuts? Yes siree we are.
But a lot of my friends are expected to pay back parents. Because their parents paid for their wedding, gave them the DP on their homes, bought them cars, etc. We didn’t get that from our parents, but we still feel obligated. Could just be that our parents don’t have that kind of money, but I also know part of it is that my friends parents expect to be supported later.
Giving back to parent is not the only concern that Asian parents have. Some older generation-now about 70-100 years old even require their sons to live with them. Of course, some of them do not get alone with their daughter-in-law well. That is traditional Asian.
I’ve never viewed this as “paying my parents back”, but rather as taking care of them when they get older. My parents and I have never discussed this, but growing up as the child of first generation immigrants from Taiwan to the United States, I guess I just sensed the idea that hey when my parents get older I will take care of them rather than throwing them into a nursing home in the traditional Asian’s view of how American kids treat their parents. I just graduated from college and the idea of how this will all financially work out scares me, but I feel no hesitation in helping out my parents.
I’m regards to the family owned business question, my parents like most Asians run a restaurant and my brother and I were both obligated to work. Growing up we never fathomed the idea of getting paid for helping out because we’re all family.
Interesting that a lot of PF-Bloggers are Asian-Americans. I’m Jewish (and born in Europe – my mother and brother live in Israel). My girlfriend is Chinese, but she is born in the PRC and all her family live there in a mjor city with professional jobs. Maybe after 50 years of communism and post-communism a lot of this traditional stuff was broken down. Anyway, their attitudes to money seem more in line with my own families where it is more the parents that help the children in the expectation that the children will raise the next generation. Of course if the parents need help they will get it. A previous girlfriend also from the PRC had slightly more traditional views but she grew up in a smaller city further south. Maybe that made a difference? Her parents were professionals (dentist, engineer) as well.
The problem is that Asian cultures (Japanese, Chinese, Korean, etc) believe that they give birth to children and it is their children’s right to give them money when they grow up or else they won’t inherit anything. This is so wrong. When children are born, they don’t know what their obligations are.
I have the same delima. I am part Japanese and Chinese American (3rd Generation) from California. Yes, I do agree with the blog: my parents still brag among their friends how successful their daughter is – working in a nice investment firm job in NYC, nice car, nice condo with a nice Caucasian husband, 2 kids, blah, blah. However, I have not given them any money since I left home for college. (I did give them some money when I was working part-time in high school). If I have not saved enough money for retirement, how can I give them money for monthly money? Besides, I don’t even live in my parents home.
I have 2 sisters who brag that they each give their parents $300 per month and $1,000 per month respectively. They gang up on me to tell my parents that I’m a bad daughter and I think this is unfair. Of coure I will help my parents if they are in need but I will not give them money every month just for the sake of the tradition. Because of this, I shy away from most family dinners and get togethers.
I make $200,000 per year in salary, living and working in Manhattan with a husband and 2 kids. It may sound like a lot of money to you all but $200,000 is not a lot of money if you live in Manhattan where the cost of living is so sky high. At the end of the month, I don’t even have enough money to save or to put away in my T Rose Price mutal funds account. This is the truth. Filial piety today in United States have gone out of hand in the Asian parents community. I am pretty sure my parents’ friends in Chinatown have been ganging up on me.
I’m leaving for college this fall, and my parents have already told me that they will pay for every single thing… which includes graduate (law) school.
My parents are doing that because they love me too much, not because they want financial payback. In fact, they specifically told me that they won’t ever need my help. They can’t bare seeing me burying myself in loans before I’m even out of school.
Because all 4 of my grandparents are alive and well-off, my parents don’t need to send money up the chain. Well, they still do it for the sake of doing it, but my grandparents are actually sending money “down the chain.” My grandparents just bought a house in my mom’s name, and whenver I go back to China, they stuff cash into my hands
But I agree with the “money stays in the family” idea. My parents’ money are my money (especially since I’m an only child), and whatever I make in the future also belongs to my parents (because I belong to my parents)
If someday, they become penniless, and I only have one bowl of rice myself, I would add extra water, making it into porridge, and share it with them. That’s how much I love my parents.
I forgot to mention something in my previous comment.
I’m not expected to “pay them back” but it’s expected that I will do for my children what they did for me.
And typo: it should be “bear” not “bare” -_-
I have the same delima. I am part Japanese and Chinese American (3rd Generation) from California. Yes, I do agree with the blog: my parents still brag among their friends how successful their daughter is – working in a nice investment firm job in NYC, nice car, nice condo with a nice Caucasian husband
sAIKO– NIGGA PLEASE.
wow. is anybody writing these comments married? if so, how does your spouse feel about your money also being your parents money? i’m all for helping family out (especially in retirement and in times of financial need). however, i disagree with the mentality of “my money is my parents money.” whatever happened to financial boundaries? whatever happened to marriage comes first, even before parents?