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Don’t Have Kids
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Ever hear someone mention that they don’t want to have kids only to hear, invariably, someone ask “why not?” The reason people ask is because having kids is the norm, actively not having kids is not the norm, and so in this DA post I tackle the reasons I think one would decide against having children. I think this particular post falls into the realm of personal opinion and desires, not “good” or “bad” advice, so it’s slightly different from other DA posts.
Kids Are Expensive and Time Consuming!
The number one reason why having kids is a bad idea is that they are expensive and they require a lot of time (time is money!). Given the cost of a hospital stay, which is almost unavoidable, your upcoming kid is already costing you a lot of money and they haven’t even been introduced to the world yet (Read Connie’s story about how much it costs to have a baby). Afterwards, this little tyke is going to eat a ton, run through clothes like it’s the Running of the Brides at Filene’s Basement’s Bridal Gown Sale, and they’re going to have ridiculously expensive hobbies. That’s before they leave elementary school! As the years go on, they get more and more expensive, culminating in college. College, while not required (see this DA post on why you don’t need college to succeed), is basically the minimum of education demanded by society if you want to make something of yourself (or at least that’s the public perception of what society demands).
Tremendous Responsibility
Once you get the past the money, there is a tremendous amount of responsibility when you’re raising another human being. Not only will they be expensive, but you’ll also feel compelled to spend that money because you want your child to succeed. Marketers will bombard you with advertisements about how your child needs to have the latest learning gadget, or how they need to be in this plan or that plan, or how you can’t buy thing particular product because it’s not as good for you as their product. You’ll have to make these decisions, try to make them independent of cost, and still try to provide what you need for your kid to succeed? It’s like when people say they won’t go to the cheapest person for Lasik even if they’re certified and have done thousands of them, they don’t want something that important to be dependent on price; well, are you going to buy the cheaper cereal or do you not want what your child eats to be dependent on price? What’s more important, your child’s health or your eyes? Do you want to be making those decisions?
Your Life Is On Hold
I can’t imagine having children in my early twenties, but that was the norm many many years ago. Heck, I can’t even imagine having a child now, at the age of 27, when my parents had me. With so many young professionals focused on their careers, it’s very difficult to for someone to put it on hold, if only for a little while. Certainly there are plenty who find it more important to raise a family than it is to generate income but many young professionals want to work, advance in their organizations, and make the big dollars so they can, maybe, relax in their older years. Women are no longer looking to become housewives and I think they shouldn’t have to be compelled to feel that way, just like men don’t often look to becoming stay-at-home dads. So, asking anyone to put their career on hold might be a little unreasonable.
I think those are the main reasons why people wouldn’t want to have kids but to be perfectly honest I don’t know (we want children) for certain because I’ve never broached the subject with anyone. If you’re on the “No kids” side of the argument (or at least “no kids for a few more years”), please do share your thoughts. If you’re on the side, I’d love to hear your opinion about these reasons.
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Mariella, no offense, but you’re 40 yrs old. Why would anyone “constantly” ask you when you’re going to have children? lol. Hopefully in your current decade, that sh!t will stop.
Anonymous 62 yr old, wow, $45K throughout your marriage? My wife and I will retire exceptionally well then.
Aurora is right about the replacement rate of whites. I personally don’t care if they all die out.
My own 1 yr old son can be a pain in the sense that my time gets stretched more, so I find myself leaving the office at 5pm most days instead of working until 6 or 7pm. Or if he gets sick we have to pick him up from daycare. Luckily, my wife is the boss at her office and she can take him with her. Other than time, and it takes a LOT of time, I can’t see any other drawbacks of us having a baby.
I used to care about having $X at retirement, but strangely after having the baby, that disappeared. I actually want all my earnings to help my son achieve his own dreams. In a sense, this has given me a strange peace. A peace from not working for my own self or my wife’s. Sounds bad, but I’m really fine with that. And I want to help him explore this world around him and enjoy it. I want to help him become appreciative so that he’ll be helpful to others. I used to worry about all the problems of the world and bringing him into it. But now there is a sense of duty to help him become his best so that he can join others to make the world a better place.
Now it might be different if we had been blessed with a hel1-raiser. Luckily, we’ve been given a smart, good tempered, happy baby that people tend to flock to. I used to be child free in thinking so if my baby was ugly or dumb, I would be the first one to say it.
This one is meant for anyone who is thinking of having a child and searching for honest answers from people who have kids. I am not an expert of any kind, just a father of one child who is willing to give an honest opinion under the cloak of anonymity.
It is taboo for parents to say anything negative, other than in jest, about having kids. I talked with several parents before becoming a dad. Anyone I asked about their parenthood experience would give me a 3 step answer: 1) Being a parent is so wonderful… 2) but what a ‘challenge’ it is. What a HUGE challenge… 3) …Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying anything negative about being a parent. You should do it.
Here is my answer: I do like being a dad. Spending time with a child is drudgery to me, yes even my own. Yes, I love my child dearly. I would give anything I have, including my life, for her. Yes, there are fun and/or touching moments. No, it isn’t worth it to me. No magical feelings or benefits beyond rational value. No ‘tough but worth it’. No monumental positive change to my life. I simply do not enjoy being a parent. I hope that this feeling will reverse but suspect that it will not.
Parenthood is a very personal thing. It is different for everyone. I am absolutely not saying that anyone should or should not have children. I am only saying that I preferred my life before becoming a father. I feel bad saying that. I’m sure that most people would look at me as if I were the devil himself for vocalizing this opinion. Like I said, it is taboo. If you are thinking about it, here is one data point on the ‘wish I hadn’t’ part of the chart.
I’m a 40 years old woman, no kids, who is slated to have a tubal this Friday for birth control reasons. I had an abnormal Pap, and I have HPV, so they need to take out my IUD anyway. When I was younger, I just “figured” I’d have kids, since nearly everyone seemed to be doing it. But, I’ve never had that “craving” for a child. As my surgery date approaches, I’m having some second thoughts, and have been doing LOTS of searching and reading on the Internet. Like I said, I’ve never craved a baby, but the pressure from society on couples to have kids is enormous, and then there’s the unspoken judgement of “what? you don’t want kids? something is definitely wrong with you.”
I SO appreciate that you had the guts to be honest on here about your feelings. Not many people are able to do that, especially in regard to the subject of children and parenting. I’m afraid that if I went ahead and got pregnant (and THAT would be mainly because of societal pressure), that I would very very much regret having had a child.
It is very helpful to hear from honest people like yourself who have the guts to speak from the heart, and be truthful. Your email very much helped me, and I wanted to take a moment and let you know. =)
~Michelle
Honest father,
For the first time since my 20s I am struggling with the fact that I haven’t had children. In my 20s I wanted to meet someone and get married and have kids. I felt rejected and a loser because I didn’t have either a career or a family when everyone else seemed to have everything. I guess I had no self-esteem and just married the first person who asked me who turned out to have mental health issues and absolutely did not want kids. It was a violent marriage and only lasted a few years: not a situation to bring kids into. I would have had to leave if I had got pregnant, and just be on my own away from that person.
After that life became a case of raw survival. I was in quite a bad state myself by then with no confidence left, no progress in my working life, nothing material to start again with. But I did it, working out various relationships on the way, doing a language degree and training to be a teacher, a holistic therapist, going self-employed, and now working for good money in the Middle East while I study law so I can have a better future career. While here, I met a wonderful man about a year ago, and unexpectedly fell in love. Unfortunately, it has brought up a certain grief that this couldn’t have happened when I was young enough to feasibly plan a family. I have some idea that it is something we will never share and that somehow diminishes our relationship or his feeling for me. He has kids already with someone else but actually had many miserable years with the children’s mother, staying with her because of the kids even though the love had died on her part. If I pushed the issue maybe we would have a child together but he believes it is too late and has other plans. He would go through it for my sake but this is not what I want. In reality, I agree that it is too late now. I am embarked on a totally different kind of life and there are many other things that this guy and myself can share together. We have both had our fair share of living for other people. The grief I feel these days I think is my last look at an opportunity that is passing or indeed at 43, has already passed me by. I have been pregnant in my life but I lost the child. Itwas very stressful wondering how I would manage to sustain my working life,which was basic to my survival, while trying to care for a child. I had no support from family and I didn’t have a stable relationship with the father. He was in no position to support me anyway. Neverthless I was in a state of shock when I had the miscarriage and my overwhelming thought was that it shouldn’t have happened. You have
however reminded me,having kids is hard work and you have to make changes and sacrifices. You end up stuck in one place for a long time because of schooling and there are financial responsibilities you just don’t have to take on board if you are child free. I can’t see how having a child will really benefit my life but it is hard to finally face letting the idea go.
Many people have children accidentally and deep down they regret it but will never admit it. I know because I know some who will admit it. I’m choosing not to have kids. I’m so smart.
I agree with honest Father. I have three Kids. I love them but this is not the life I wanted. It is the life my wife wanted. She got pregnant right after we got married and then got pregnant twice more back to back. The third was an “accident”.Im not sure if that was the truth or what she told me just because I was so angry about adding another kid to the roster. We were already strapped for time and money by far and the third just blew everything up. My finances are shit my marriage is shit and my life feels like shit. Working non stop just to divide my money to give it to four people and always coming up short is not a good life to lead. Take my advice and DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN and WAIT FOR A LOOONG TIME TO GET MARRIED!!!
What has happened to our society? I am married and have children…we all MAKE choices! But you know what happens, I’ll tell you…LIFE GETS TOUGH!! But the minute it does, we scream divorce. The minute it gets hard, we scream “I SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD CHILDREN.” When is everyone going to realize that is is absolutely NOT ABOUT YOU!! It’s about how people grow and mature and care about one another. Having children (If you choose) is a personal choice. If you made that choice, then BE THE BEST DAD AND MOM YOU CAN BE!! and stop whining about the choice you made! I just wish there were more people like LINA who are comfortable in their own skin, then rehashing aboout how their lives are so miserable! Nobody held the marriage gun to your head! Marriage is a serious choice. We should ALL have given it a lot of thought. Children are a serious choice. Maybe now is not the right time..maybe never. The fact is to understand yourself. Those who “feel” pressure to have kids b/c society is trying to tell them to do so? Tell them to go get a life!!
Huh. So someone actually has the guts to come out and say what nobody wants to hear, and you just trash them for it. There *is* enormous pressure to get married, and to have kids. And saying the pressure comes from society is being nice. It actually comes from parents and spouse. My guess is you are on the giving side of that pressure.
Reply to “Honest Too”
Your comments make a refreshing change. all parents give it the “i love my kids but its hard work”stock answer, you see so many fed up looking parents and wonder if that is always the case.
I admire you for having the guts to make this comment because this is also the sort of stuff people should read before deciding to have kids or not.
Our whole modern society is selfish, short-sighted, and purposeless. That is the real issue. Oh, people talk about saving the environment, feeding the orphans, world peace. But its all just lies. Its not how people really feel. They aren’t really concerned about others’ suffering, and making the world a better place, they’re just pretending to make themselves feel less guilty about their poor characters–as opposed to trying to be a better person than they are, after facing the truth of it.
For each generation to continue, yes, there have to be children. For those children to be ready to contribute well in today’s world, yes, tremendous effort has to be put into them–a violent gang member doesn’t do much to help out. And yes, that effort (money, energy, priority) comes at the expense of something else. Selfish things.
Those who are dying out (with their way of life, values, and opinions) are those who choose not to have children. European populations are being replaced by immigrants who do their work (because they didn’t have children to do it). Those immigrants are, in the end, despite any cultural/educational problems, more worthy of survival than the self centered, hedonistic culture they are replacing.
People should not have children if they do not want to just because some people like yourself think they should or because people like you think they are selfish etc. I personally do not want children and if I were to have listened to people like you then I would have had one and probably been a horrible mother and my child would have grown up with a lot of issues because of that. If I were to have listened to people like you then another child would have come into the world messed up. I personally think that people like YOU do not have a good sense of who you are and lack confidence because if you did have those things then I can guarantee that you would not care about what other people think of you or what their opinions are. Realizing that I did not want children and knowing that I would not have been a good mother and then making the decision to not have children is the most unselfish thing I could have ever done. Let me ask YOU a question……, are you the chairman of the board (in your life) or are you just sitting at the table?
You speak with complete ignorance. Good thing you didn’t have kids.
Children give your life meaning. Yes, I have less money, less free time, less “stuff” than if I were childless. I won’t have as many dollars in the bank, I won’t get to take as many vactions, I don’t get to buy fancy cars, but I get to touch the future.
Well worth it, if you ask me. YMMV.
They give YOUR life meaning. Big difference.
saladdin
I agree saladdin. There comes a time in life (later for some, earlier for others) when a person finally realizes that the only opinion that matters is the one YOU have of yourself. Unfortunately some find that out after they already had children. I feel blessed to have figured that out a long time ago and chose not to have kids and I can honestly say with everything in me that I could care less what anyone has to say about me or my choices.
I don’t have kids and don’t plan to. I’m a teacher, though, so I get to touch the future, too. No, it’s not the same as being a parent, but then–that’s why I prefer it. It is a vocation that gives my life meaning. I feel blessed to have it.
I wanted to add–this article is listed as “Devil’s Advocate”?
What a LAUGH! The norm among educated, privileged, high income Americans is not to have kids now.
The ratio of young to middle-aged and old folks has never been this bad in modern history world wide. Retirement ages are going up, benefits are going down. That’s what the norm of not having or not investing in kids (once you have them) is leading to. But lets not let the facts get in the way of our selfish whining.
An actual Devil’s Advocate position on this matter would be to propose that people live their lives for more than their own pleasure and self-aggrandizement.
But we can blame the parents who indulged and spoiled you and taught you that you were the center of the universe. And you’ll all be gone in a generation anyway–self correcting problem in the end.
Self-correcting problem huh… and the fact that your ’seed’ will live on in the future means the world will be a better place? Please. Everyone will die and it matters not whether you’ve had children or not, they will die too. Maybe even before you! I don’t see any problem with people living their fleeting lives seeking joy, pleasure, and the finer things in life.
You people are all demented!! What a bunch of selfish, self-centered individuals you all are!! You have children and that’s your choice. Everyone makes choices..if you were stupid enough to let someone influence your choice, then you are just that…stupid! Kids are wonderful and even though they are expensive, time consuming, etc… What exactly do you want out of life? You can’t raise a Porsche!! When you die, what are you going to do, die alone? You have a family to SHARE a life with..to go through life with. If you are unhappy, then sorry…it’s not the family..it’s you! The problem with you people is that you haven’t found the person to spend a wonderful life with. You found someone and now choose to complain! Grow the heck up!!
I want to pull into my driveway and no one to be there. I want to sleep until 1000 Saturday morning and not get woke up by screaming bratty kids. I want disposable income so that I can, on a whim, drive to St. Louis and watch the Cardinals. I want to keep all of my assets instead of losing half in a divorce. I want to make my own decisions without having to beg a wife/husband “Please let me have $20″ or “Please let me go see some old friends for the evening.”
When you die. You die. It doesn’t matter if you have 20 kids or 20 Porches. You’ll be remembered the same 100 years after your death.
saladdin
One man’s paradise is another’s lonely hell. Good for you for knowing what you want and not making someone else miserable too.
Dag, dude. i couldnt have said it better. and the when you die thing, well, a half hour after you been put in the ground, no one will remember us. unless your abig deal like elvis or god. ha ha
right on bro.
So all you care about is being remembered? Kind of petty…
I applaud you! I feel very sorry for people who feel the only way they are “something” is if they have children. I guess they never had any big dreams or high goals. True, you may not be able to raise a Porshe but most people that have kids will never be able to afford one either. How sad it is to deprive oneself of the finer things in life. There’s a little saying that goes like this……, “Simple lives=simple minds”. I for one would never want to be “simple”. How very boring that would be.
Honey, you are that simple. You let material run your life. Who you are is defined by your heart, soul, and actions. Not by what you wear or drive. Having nice things is nice, but not all there is to life. Don’t be fooled, many “rich” people are not worth knowing. Money comes from all different sources, not everyone earns it from hard work, or a great mind. Your character is what defines you. Your theory speaks loudly of yours.
NO, sorry. “demented people” are the ones like YOU…you’re also the definition of selfish.
And just because you have kids does NOT guarantee they’ll take care of you when you get old so you won’t “die alone” as you put it.
You make it sound like a person must have children in order to be happy. What a CROCK.
What should I name my Porsche…?
You should name your Porshe “Dream” because that is all it will ever be if you have a bunch of expensive kids.
It’s really laughable to me that you all feel your own life stops just because you have a child. Strange. If you are driven, talented, and intelligent you can have your porse and children too. If you don’t want to have children, don’t have them. Everyone is free to make that choice. Persuasion of any kind is a sign of weakness. But let’s not use the piss pore materialistic excuse of not being able to accomplish dreams because of a child. You can have anything you wish with hard work and determination, children or no children. All while being a great parent.
Excuse my typo .. Your porsche. Or my Ferrari, which I happened to have earned after I had a child.
I LOVE my teenager! Sometimes I have to nag him about shutting down the computer or tidying his room, but he’s the best kid! I find him to be less moody than any work associate and a lot more entertaining. Of course, he was born adorable, and very much wanted and longed-for. My pregnancy was full of problems, and he was skinny and sick for many of his baby days, but he was just such a little trouper and has grown into such a handsome young man. Admittedly, he could have been a troll and I would have adored him, but he is brilliant and snarky and highly gifted and cute, so he gets bonus points. Just a wee bit sloppy and spends too much time on the computer, but I already mentioned that. He was two when his father died, but I’ve kept pictures and tapes and cards around so he can feel like he knows his daddy. From an economic standpoint, he comes from an ‘underprivileged’ background, but he’s grown into a funny, polite and well-behaved college-bound kid who can interact with almost any age–toddlers, peers, teachers, senior citizens. I could just cry when I meet other kids at school who seem to feel unwanted and unloved, no matter how well-dressed they are or how many expensive gadgets are in their pockets. PLEASE, don’t have kids if you don’t want them. Don’t have them to shut your mother up or allow you to move unhampered in society. And if you have them, make them behave in restaurants and don’t resent them or ignore them. They’ll be about as lovable as you find it in yourself to love them.
I don’t like kids, I find them boring and unpredictable. My sister has 2 little girls who are well behaved (most of the time) but I don’t much care for them either. So, I thought long and hard before deciding to get pregnant. The reasons I decided to go for it: I had a great childhood and I want to share those experiences and traditions, I am pretty confident that once my kids are no longer babies I will enjoy their company, my husband wants kids, my in laws really want grandkids. I know that last reason isn’t a great one but I knew going into the marriage that his parents were relying on us for grandkids. If we never had kids I would have been fine but I did worry that I would regret the decision. And I know that I can be the type of mom I want to be- not one of those crazy parents who thinks their kid is better than everyone else and entitled to winning the game or receiving good grades. Also, I would like to work part time eventually, and if you don’t have kids you just seem lazy
“Everyone makes choices..if you were stupid enough to let someone influence your choice, then you are just that…stupid!”
I’m married, I love my husband, the one I want to spend a wonderful life with, I’m a very happy wife and I’m a very happy Accountant, I don’t want Kids! I don’t like kids.
My choice, right?
Thanks God there is a lot of people in this world that think different than me, they will not allow human race to get extint
I would personally like to thank all those people too. Better them than me. I like my stress free life, my large bank account, my beautiful vacations, my fancy cars, my peace of mind, my youthful look (considering I definately look at least 10 years younger than every single person I know that is my age). My husband feels the same. Early retirement is going to be a wonderful reward to ourselves for not having to support any children.
I am in the position of loving someone who wants children absolutely within a certain timeframe when I don’t really want kids of my own, at least not soon. I am really in two minds about it. I feel I am not ready …ready meaning monetarily, feeling mature enough in knowledge, experience and establishing a true sense of accomplishment in life. Though, most people’s real accomplishment in life seems to be raising kids. I would feel accomplished if I raised my kids to grow into great people. But how about those parents whose expectations are devastated? Such as a daughter becoming a porn star or son getting a life sentence? The responsibility really scares me since raising a child is a long slow process, you don’t know who you might get and society at large takes over. You really need to be a great educator, not insulator, to make your kids aware of everything in the world so they don’t stumble unprepared into adult life. You need to be someone your kids can come to for advice. Babies grow up into independent people. Couples with parenthood in mind should have as their goal to raise their offspring into the best independent people they possibly can. Prepare them to see them go. Watch them leave the nest forever, not lament the fact that they no longer call when they are well into adulthood. Think back to when you were a teenager, you wanted independence. Give your child that and they will want to share their life with you.
After reading numerous comments, I noticed the theme of raising kids to be a “real accomplishment in life”. I don’t quite understand what that means exactly. If raising kids to be good adults becomes the ultimate measure of success, then the “raised kids” are required to raise kids as their ultimate measure of success. But, what kind of kids are people supposed to raise other than kids who want to grow up to have kids. I am not trying to be argumentative but I feel like I am missing something. Isn’t there more to it than that? What about kids that are concerned about the environment, poverty, hunger, war, injustice?
When people have asked me whether I want kids I jokingly tell them that if I was offered the choice of being given a few teenagers to look after or not then I would choose the latter. People, especially women, all too often just see the cuteness of babies as something they need to have. It is not just the cuteness, but the unconditional love, conditional upon that child only loving that parent and not an unrelated person of course, unless that parent chooses to give the child up for adoption. That is when couples or even singles who really want kids can step in and take care of a child that is unwanted for whatever reason, usually financial. Why have kids? Why decide not to have kids? Nature is set up to have them. Nature desires reproduction. Our human bodies are designed to produce offspring. Is the desire to not have kids unnatural? Is going with the flow of nature all that bad or all that good? When did nature give a shit about us anyway? Obviously nature’s flow is necessary and a certain percentage of couples need to reproduce to keep the human race alive. Nature is doing a pretty good job with that percentage in the vast majority. The fact is it’s extremely difficult to be childless with all the beauty, pleasure and cuteness nature throws at us. Why do you think nature made sex SO pleasurable and babies SO cute? Both are fleeting pleasures.
I never want children.
It’s not because I havn’t found the right man (im getting married next year) and its not because i had a bad childhood (I had a fantastic and very happy one), It is simply because I don’t have a maternal instinct. I don’t want a child, I don’t really like them (I don’t dislike them,I just don’t care), I don’t need one to make me feel complete.
I have no brothers and sisters and the man im marrying is much older than me so I am certain to die “alone” as people say but fear of death and not wanting to be alone are NOT a reason to have a child.
People say childless people are selfish but surly it is more selfish to ceate a life for the wrong reasons.
-If i have a child to look after me when i’m old isn’t that selfish?
-If you are incomplete- that is YOUR problem not a childs. A child may put those underlying issues off for 20 years but the real issues surrounding it will out eventually
- If you have never really had a families love/partners love and/or any love and you have a child to give you unconditional love – is that right?. So many people do this.
- To save your married or to keep him/her cheating or leaving? Another common reason to have a child and surley the most selfish of all?
Don’t get me wrong some people want children, love children & are great parents and that is a fantastic achievement. To love your children for the right reasons, give them love and support and raise a good child into a good adult is a reason to be proud but so many people don’t want to admit they are in the catogories above and pretend to be on a pedistal, looking down on us childless mortals!!
To the person who said we are all selfish and that you cant raise a porsche!, you are missing the diversity of life! Your not taking into account the differences in temprament or circumstance. People find plesure in many things and raising a child is not the only thing to take pride in or be respected for.Life is a different walk for everyone and I believe work sucess,religion and faith,edcuation, partners and even pets can all provide the same level of joy to some people that children can to others.
Nobody should feel bad about not having children, it’s not selfish, in many cases it is THE MOST responsible thing you can do and whatever makes you happy (children or no children) should be allowed and looked upon as the norm in a modern society.
Laura,
I completely agree with you. I also am married to a man well older than myself. He has had a vasectomy and we had talked about the possibility of having kids if I ever wanted to. I think that is rather sweet of him to think of me but for now I do not want to have a child. I have also thought about the fact of ending up alone due to my husbands age. And yes, having a child for that reason is selfish in my opinion.
Even when I was younger I did not want children so at the age of 25 I don’t really see my views changing.
Amen to that Laura! My mother feels the same way now that she’s older. I just wish more woman thought like you do (Laura). It seems like every woman I meet wants kids or has a child already (which doesn’t really bother me but I just don’t want to deal with it).
I was in a relationship for 2 years and I finally came to the realization I didn’t want kids. My girl thought I was just joking but I was serious. We broke up for other reasons but woman feel some primitive need to have kids.
Its not fair to blame woman completely but I feel woman have the choice. Open your legs to someone worth doing so or use birth control. Many younger guys are in it for the thrill and trying to hold someone down with a child is beyond selfish, its sick.
I’m 29 yrs old, and I don’t regret having my son, but I will tell you that my wife and I only need one to get the experience. Other couples we know want at least two children, but I think since we never wanted ONE in the beginning we don’t have that urge.
We’ve been married 10 yrs, and our child is 1.5 yrs old. He is a joy and a pain, but I am glad he is here to add to my already wonderful life. Isn’t life about experiences? Or is it just about getting to sleep till 10am on a Saturday morning like someone mentioned. hahaha how sad.
We’re both in high paying careers, and both have master degrees. I can actually see myself changing recently to fit my world a little more around my son’s instead of the other way around like it has been for the prior year.
I have a demanding career, but near the end of the day now, I can not wait to see him smile and get a hug, and hear him babble about his day even though he doesn’t make sense yet.
But definitely during the bad moments, wife and I agree NO MORE CHILDREN for us.
And for the people who think it’s taboo that they feel they wished they hadn’t had kids, think of this. Would you be okay with somebody kidnapping your child? That would take you back to where you started. But guess what, you really do love your child and do not want to give them up for anything.
For the guy who had 3 and didn’t want 2. Sucks to be you.
Alright, so I just turned 31 and the decision to have children is weighing heavy on my mine. Sometimes, I have the urge to have children but it is not something I dwell on. However, for some reason lately all I am surrounded by is newborn babies and pregnant women. Everybody I know has families by now and appear happy. I just don’t know how to explain it but I feel like I should have what they have. I feel left out or not normal. Of course, I guess you would have to have someone in your life first to have a child. I really don’t know what the hell is wrong with me right now hopefully it will pass sooooon
Hi Jenn – I am the same age and am experiencing the same thing as you. I have been married for three years and neither of us want kids. Most of our friends are having a baby, or their second, third… but it’s just not the life for us. Don’t think for a minute that that makes you ’selfish’ or that you are ignoring some kind of ‘maternal instinct’, because I think that’s total bull. It’s a very personal choice and you only live once, and I believe in living a happy jouous life whatever that may mean for you. For some, it’s having kids. For others, it is following our own path and dreams to fulfill our lives and make the most of our short existance.
Hiya Jen
I know where your comming from. ive never wanted kids, my husband says hes not sure (although secretly i think he would prefer to have them). we are surrounded by friends having kids and i feel like you, i feel like this is how i should feel, that i feel left out,but i just dont have the urge to want them, its almost like jealousy that i cant make sense of.
My parents were childfree for 10 years as my mother definetely did not want kids. Then her father died and she was told she would need a hysterectomy sooner or later, and that if she wanted kids, she would have to get her skates on. Which she did, and so my parents had me. When I was 18 months old my father had an affair basically because he was jealous of me, which lasted a year and left my mum devastated. They stayed together for my sake but the whole atmosphere at home was thoroughly miserable as my mum had anorexia and depression and my dad was almost made bankrupt at one stage. Both my parents were control freaks, possibly because they had so many problems going on in their own lives that they just didn’t have time for mine. I think they saw me as a possession more than anything else. As an only child all the expectation was placed on me – I was expected to be perfect and cheerful at all times, I wasn’t allowed to have emotions. I don’t think they quite knew what to do with kids, my dad used to beat me for miniscule misdemeanours such as just looking miserable!! (he broke my nose on one occasion) – and my mother used to say to me: “You need me. I don’t need you” and “I’d rather have animals than have you”. She told me of my father’s previous affair when I was 16 and from that point on I never wanted to have kids as long as I lived (my parents are now divorced due to another affair of my father’s). One of the reasons my own marriage broke up was because I didn’t want kids (my ex knew I wasn’t keen but thought he could change me) – it would have been impractical anyway since there would have been no way we could have afforded it. I love my current bf dearly, and we’ve sort of bashed the child issue around a bit but again it is impractical since neither of us earns enough. I also admit that I am extremely selfish. I am very introverted and sensitive to noise, and contact with people in general – they can exhaust me very quickly and I need some respite and a few days away from society to collect my thoughts and regain my energy again. I am artistic and musical, and can only really think in complete silence, without distractions. Don’t get me wrong, I do like contact with people but on my own terms…I believe you really have to like *people* and be relatively extroverted to be a successful parent. There also seem to be so many kids that had/have an unhappy childhood, I wouldn’t wish anyone to go through what I have, for example (or worse) – that’s just torturing another human being. Right now, I’m not talking to my parents, as I don’t really feel they ever cared less about me and my feelings – my father used to say to me “I’m not interested in what you have to say”. There just wasn’t what I’d call love there – or if there was it was unreliable, I never felt safe or protected (I felt more at risk of being abused or beaten up, and still do – I am so wary of telling people about my early life – my ex abused me and tried to strangle me following my confiding in him – I don’t want to live with family or a partner again). So those are my reasons for not wanting to have kids. I actually think it’s a positive thing, since at least I don’t have the worry about fertiity issues hanging over my head like many women do. Basically I had the messages drummed into me that kids are bad, and not to have them. Now I know that kids are not bad, they’re just small and naive human beings. But because of the knocks I have had in life and my own selfish needs and wants and desires (I am as selfish as my parents but recognize it better), I know that I would not make a very good parent. However, I hope that I can enrich society in other ways through my art and music. There is this unhappy side to me that I’ve just spoken about, but my prerogative in life now is to try to forget about that and put it behind me, just to be happy and cheerful and try to cheer people I come into contact with up. Whether they are related to me or not.
Kids are great but I can’t help to notice the envy (yes envy and I assume it’s of the freedom I still have of still living a childless life that makes them feel that way) in some parent’s reaction, who are around my age, (29) when I tell them that I don’t have kids. Almost always they ask me, jokingly of course, “Want to trade lives?” But why even mention it?
If I’ve known 50 couples with kids in my lifetime close to a 1/3 of them have given a clear indication they would go back to the childless life and some of these have been high school teachers and relatives. That is a 1/3 too many! I suppose it’s as simple as if you “feel it” then you will have kids and if you don’t “feel it” then you won’t. I’m gonna give this parenthood one more consideration but “jump with both feet or don’t jump at all” is my attitude.
This question is to the parents with no or very little regret of becoming parents: What motivated you to become parents? I’m sure there will be no wrong answers. Thanks!
I met and lost the one person I ever truly loved over her desire to have children.
Children were a price, I could pay for her to stay. The pain that this has caused as a consequence of my choice is at times unbearable. This choice was made 20 years ago,
Would I make it again?
YES!
Will the pain continue?
Yes!
@Maelo
We have no regret of our accidental child. Most of the people are just joking when they ask you to trade lives. It’s an inside joke amongst parents that life is hectic with a baby/toddler/child/teen. And when most parents complain to each other of never getting any sleep, it is in some strange way a form of bonding. These jokes are saying “I totally understand.” It’s like a fraternity or sorority, and it’s all part of the hazing. You won’t understand unless you ever had one.
And I won’t lie. It is terrible sometimes. Sometimes you want to sleep in on a Saturday or not be bothered with whining. But in the grand scheme of things, these are trivial luxuries. So what if I don’t get to sleep till 10am on Saturdays for the first 6-8yrs. In the end, we’re all dead anyway, so I figure there will be lots of time for sleeping in at the end of our short lives.
When we were childless, we used to have pity for friends who were parents who always seemed tired. We told ourselves “thank god we don’t have to deal with all of that.” Now after having our own child, I feel pity on myself for the way I used to think.
However, we are like you, Maelo, concerning the “all or nothing.” Once we realized we weren’t having an abortion or giving our son up for adoption, we give our whole hearts into it. So far, he’s 2 yrs old, and you can definitely tell he is well taken care of and loved.
However, some people shouldn’t have kids due to physical health or mental issues.
What it simply comes down to for me is that I am not a social person, I do not want people bothering me when I’m not working and I definitely don’t want something breathing relying on me every single minute of the day when I come home tired unless it’s a dog or cat since they’re easy to shut up. I get a lot of pressure from my grandparents and their religious mumbo jumbo all the time about how it’s “right” to create a family, but I don’t cave to it. It’s my choice, and personally when things look grim for the future, I don’t care. I’m not leaving anything to live in it.
Have kids if you want, it’s your right. But please do me a favor and don’t make them spoiled and annoying to others in public places like a supermarket. Those are the worst kinds of children I ever encounter.
And these people need to stop putting other people down for their decision to not have children. Sometimes I feel like I am back in the 1950’s when I read these posts. I can’t believe there are so many closed minded people in this new age. Listen to me people as I say it loud and clear “FREEDOM OF CHOICE”. They need to get a life and stop worrying about other peoples lives.
I’m on the fence about kids, but leaning more towards having at least one. I’m 27 and my husband is 40 and really wants kids. The biggest problem is not so much our own feelings but other people. I know that the norm is for people and relatives to hound you about having kids and pressure you into it, but our case is the opposite. We’ve been married for 5 years and our relatives have always been against it. People at our church have talked to my husband, and said that we should never have kids. What gives them the right to say things like that? I find it very rude and hurtful. A deacon at church even offered to take my husband to get a vasectomy while I was away. I don’t know if it was a joke or not, but it really offended my husband. We may not be financially well off, but I’ve never heard of people having that kind of attitude towards a married couple. It makes my decision to have kids a lot harder. I don’t want everyone to get mad at us. How should I handle this??
I’m 38, and not sure whether I ever want children, I think most people who have them shouldn’t and I am incredibly sick of people asking me about it or judging me for it. I wouldn’t matter to me in no one ever had a child again..hah. Really I am not kidding. What’s the big deal? I can barely afford myself let alone a child, and if I did have one I would never see it because I would be working. I say if it happens it happens. This isn’t the fifties anymore people. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
In High School and Freshman year I’ve always thought I wanted kids. I even fantasized about having a child by a wealthy woman who would take care of them while I finished my education.
But now at the age of 22-23 I see the world as a different place. You have rapists, pedophiles, murderers, drunk drivers, greed, hatred towards one another, just plain evil people, backstabbers, users, racists, and more. And to top it all off, we have global warming coming soon to an overpopulated planet.
I’ve heard of woman having kids just so they could feel loved and not alone, failing to realize the type of responsibility involved.
Having children just seems like a greedy act to me now. Maybe I will change later but right now this is what I think. I have a younger sister who I watch like a hawk and to me that is more than enough responsibility for a lifetime.
Being of Lebanese and Black decent I would probably only have a child by a white woman to somehow in some sick way give that child an upper hand in this sick racist world. But that’s only if I decided to have kids.
more than thinking about if kids are expensive, there’s an element called sentiment…we spend our whole life earning (or thinking about earning)….maybe we can spend some money for that as well!
Do not believe that lovey dubey Johnson and Johnson commercials!!!!! Kids are unbelievably hard and they are so immature that they just have no ability to care about anyone else but themselves. I am a woman with 4 kids and if I could wind back the hands of time, I would have zero, none, nada. That is not PMS talking that is real talk. There is no time for anything that doesn’t involve my kids. There is no village or anyone to help raise them, it’s my husband and I and we are drowning from exhaustion. So wear a condom, get fixed but do not have kids. They will ruin your life!!
I agree! Here’s the reality….,
You bear this cute little baby that you will WORRY about your whole life and what’s your reward for that………………, More worry about how you’re going to retire comfortably.
If you don’t want kids then don’t have them. They’ll know you don’t like them and they won’t like you either. If you have depression, social or anxiety issues and you want to be alone all the time you shouldn’t have kids. If you have to drink or use drugs to excess all the time with your “friends” then you shouldn’t have kids. If you’re obsessed with saving money and retiring early rather than making money and working longer you shouldn’t have kids. They cost a lot.
But what’s the deal with all the money issues? You can have kids and money too. Not that hard. In fact where I work the promoted have families. It’s an unwritten rule. Sure you can be single and childless in your 20’s and 30’s and climb the ladder. But YOU WILL be known as a either a drunk, wierdo or pervert in your 40’s and IT WILL affect your career if you choose the selfish life in the later stages.
That said, this is not a reason to have children. Only have them if you want them because they are awesome and not experiencing what they offer would be shameful.
well said p! i dont want kids. my hubby does though. we just got married this year. weve been together for bout almost 4 years….i seen few things in my life that scares me of having kids. and i am disabled (cant drive blind in one eye) and so my hubby supports me and our dog. and what if he loses his job? the way this economy is how can we afford a kid? ya we have lil money saved for a rainy day…..but what if whenever me and/or the baby needs to go to the dr. uh hello we lose money bc I cant drive and we lose a day pay bc hubby has to take me to dr..(live far away from my family and my mom has MS so hard for her to drive sometimes and his family, well no comment…)…i totally agree with you lynne!!! i swear if i get asked ONE more time when are my hubby and i having kids i am going to hit that person (whether its a friend or a relative)……..it gets annoying and it makes me uncomfortable and feels like i get judged bc i aint in the club.,.and ya id be a stay at home mom nothing wrong with that call me old fashioned…….i mean ya a few of my friends are/ or already have kids…..few friends have neices/nephews…crud i have nephews who i love dearly. but i dont think i am the mommy type. ya i had a good childhood (well parents split but have a stepdad who is more like my dad now. and my dad always picked me up once a week. (r.i.p)(i am 28 by the way). …..i agree frostbite about the supermarket thing. whenever me and my hubby are in there, i hear a kid screaming, throwing a tantrum, and whining. its like geez someone get that kid a happy meal or smack that kid (but then again that might be a form of abuse in todays society. noone has heard of a lil thing called DISCLIPLINE)! its aggravating…….then again whenever look at kids either looking at toys or hear my mom over the phone ask a kid if they are excited for santa claus then ya kind of want a kid……..idk, just not a kid person….i am happy with my hubby and our dog. ya id like to keep my last name going. and need more girls in the family, but hate getting pressured…..
Hey people, go and spawn kids so I can have servants in the future..
Ha, I absolutely dont think everyone should have kids, not even most people. There are too many humans on the planet.
Ironically its often people with kids who will talk about how you should do whats natural, but it is NOT natural to have so many humans across the world- theres a general lack of food, water, shelter. We see it all the time with all the charity stuff. And sure, there will always be a richer and a poorer, because thats what comparison does – BUT I dont think the poorer should have to be disease-ridden and earning like a penny a day.
Of course this is rarely a reason for not having kids, because people are selfish and will just have them anyway if they want them. But it is a response to those people who act as if theyre doing the world a service by having kids.
If you wanna do a service by having kids, adopt. Just like people argue about breeding pets because there are plenty of animals in shelters… Its not really all that different – if you adopt, youre choosing the ‘right’ thing, over a ’special bond’ that comes from seeing the birth/giving birth and raising the puppy/child from infancy.