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Don’t Have Kids
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Ever hear someone mention that they don’t want to have kids only to hear, invariably, someone ask “why not?” The reason people ask is because having kids is the norm, actively not having kids is not the norm, and so in this DA post I tackle the reasons I think one would decide against having children. I think this particular post falls into the realm of personal opinion and desires, not “good” or “bad” advice, so it’s slightly different from other DA posts.
Kids Are Expensive and Time Consuming!
The number one reason why having kids is a bad idea is that they are expensive and they require a lot of time (time is money!). Given the cost of a hospital stay, which is almost unavoidable, your upcoming kid is already costing you a lot of money and they haven’t even been introduced to the world yet (Read Connie’s story about how much it costs to have a baby). Afterwards, this little tyke is going to eat a ton, run through clothes like it’s the Running of the Brides at Filene’s Basement’s Bridal Gown Sale, and they’re going to have ridiculously expensive hobbies. That’s before they leave elementary school! As the years go on, they get more and more expensive, culminating in college. College, while not required (see this DA post on why you don’t need college to succeed), is basically the minimum of education demanded by society if you want to make something of yourself (or at least that’s the public perception of what society demands).
Tremendous Responsibility
Once you get the past the money, there is a tremendous amount of responsibility when you’re raising another human being. Not only will they be expensive, but you’ll also feel compelled to spend that money because you want your child to succeed. Marketers will bombard you with advertisements about how your child needs to have the latest learning gadget, or how they need to be in this plan or that plan, or how you can’t buy thing particular product because it’s not as good for you as their product. You’ll have to make these decisions, try to make them independent of cost, and still try to provide what you need for your kid to succeed? It’s like when people say they won’t go to the cheapest person for Lasik even if they’re certified and have done thousands of them, they don’t want something that important to be dependent on price; well, are you going to buy the cheaper cereal or do you not want what your child eats to be dependent on price? What’s more important, your child’s health or your eyes? Do you want to be making those decisions?
Your Life Is On Hold
I can’t imagine having children in my early twenties, but that was the norm many many years ago. Heck, I can’t even imagine having a child now, at the age of 27, when my parents had me. With so many young professionals focused on their careers, it’s very difficult to for someone to put it on hold, if only for a little while. Certainly there are plenty who find it more important to raise a family than it is to generate income but many young professionals want to work, advance in their organizations, and make the big dollars so they can, maybe, relax in their older years. Women are no longer looking to become housewives and I think they shouldn’t have to be compelled to feel that way, just like men don’t often look to becoming stay-at-home dads. So, asking anyone to put their career on hold might be a little unreasonable.
I think those are the main reasons why people wouldn’t want to have kids but to be perfectly honest I don’t know (we want children) for certain because I’ve never broached the subject with anyone. If you’re on the “No kids” side of the argument (or at least “no kids for a few more years”), please do share your thoughts. If you’re on the side, I’d love to hear your opinion about these reasons.
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Anyone who reads CFO knows I have two kids, but I actually completely understand people who decide not to, primarily because I know one older couple (in their late 40′s, I think) who decided early on not to have kids but to instead lavish their love on their nieces and nephews and to live a non-child-friendly lifestyle (lots of traveling, lavish spending, and so on). They seem perfectly happy, and I don’t think it’s my place to be skeptical or critical of their choice.
I do know of another couple who decided not to have kids, and then the wife freaked out at around 40 and decided she did want them, at which point they had an extremely difficult time conceiving (last heard, she couldn’t get pregnant). If it were me, *that’s* what would freak me out: the possibility that I would change my mind and it would be too late (for biological children anyway). As it was, I had two miscarriages, so my first wasn’t born until 1 1/2 years after I thought I would become a mom. The stress was hard on me personally and on my marriage – it must be even harder for the woman who’s changed her mind.
I am not having children for several reasons you don’t list:
1. I do not have the patience. It scares me what I find myself thinking as I watch other people interact with their kids; it’s usually some version of “what that kid really needs is a good smack on the behind.” That leads us to the next reason:
2. I don’t want to repeat the parenting patterns I grew up with. And I know that as hard as I tried I would inevitably wind up being like one of my parents, whose approval I always wanted and never got (and I was a straight A, straight arrow, high achiever, for Pete’s sake). I would be a figure of fear rather than a loving figure, no matter how hard I tried. I’ve been told I am a fairly intimidating person to other adults, even when I consciously attempt to be approachable and friendly. Imagine the effect on a child. I didn’t enjoy growing up with a parent like that, and I don’t think anyone else would either.
3. The last thing the world needs is another one of me. Despite being gainfully employed, I don’t contribute much to the world, when it comes right down to it. Kids are not inevitably just like their parents, but I’m not willing to take the chance. The line ends here.
Frankly, I think the question ought to be turned around. People have kids for a lot of awfully silly reasons, and no one ever asks them why they decided to have children. When someone asks me this question, I usually ask them in return why they wanted kids, and a lot of times I get a funny look or a confused resonse, such as, ‘What do you mean, why do I want kids?’
I can think of other reasons I’ve heard people cite, such as the desire to avoid passing on very serious medical conditions, or a belief that the planet is already overpopulated. But I’ll leave it to others to expand on them.
I respect your reasons not to have kids, but I don’t think you should assume that “the last thing the world needs is another one of me.” You have obviously spent time thinking about this issue and have clearly articulated your reasons here, with no misspellings, name-calling, caps lock abuse, or other breaches of net-iquette. At the very least, we need more people like you on the Internet!
“Why not?” and “You’ll change your mind” are the lines my wife and I hear everytime this subject it brought up, as we are firmly no kids. You touched on a few of the main reasons for us, but there are a couple others.
We see so much of the nanny-state mentality and the “nanny-yuppies” who have destroyed the childhood for everyone. Tag is banned on several playgrounds here in Colorado because the “nannys” think it is sexual. We, as a nation, are forcing these little ones to assume the attitude, mentality, and responsibility of adults when they are in elementary school. So why would we want to bring another person into this world so s/he could be forced to grow up before they are 7?
We are selfish in the most Ayn Rand-ian way. That’s probably the core of our decision. We have chosen to think about ourselves rather than anyone else. We want to be able to do what we want, when we want, without having to think about how to make sure the kids is taken care of in a way deemed correct by an overly protective and smothering society.
We are, and will be, a no kids couple.
My wife and I don’t disagree with having kids, but right now, we can’t fathom having kids of our own. You’re right about the commitments. Granted, most every parent will say “you’ll get used to it” or “you’ll figure it out”, but I worry that it wouldn’t be fair to the child and to our marriage relationship in our current life situation.
However, I also worry that we’re being selfish by not having kids when we both know that we would be excellent, loving parents. My wife is 30 and I’m 29, and I have no idea when we think we’ll have kids. All the women in my family had kids in their early 20s, as have many of my wife’s family. So there’s that extra “push” coming from the family to have kids. However, we’ve made it clear to the immediate family that we’re not ready to have kids right now so they don’t bug us.
An alternative is adopting an older child later in life when you’re ready. Another is to participate in big brother/big sister, foster care, or just help to spoil your nieces, nephews, and neighbor’s kids rotten. You don’t have to “have your own kid” to enjoy kids.
As you can see, this particular DA post was hard for me to write because I want to have kids. It was really hard for me to come up with reasons but I know there are a LOT of reasons outside of money. In fact I would argue that for most people, money is probably the last reason. For example, with CFO’s response, it sounds like the big reason is the freedom and flexibility of not having kids.
I thought quite a bit about commenting on this. My wife (37 years) and I have three children and two grandchildren. The children are all adults and probably older than most of the previous writers.
First, you’re all right but only when you look at children from the perspective of your youth. Yes, kids are expensive, time consuming and cause problems. They do interfere with your social and business lives. However, there is no more wonderful experience than bringing a child into your life. Yes, all the corny stuff about love but the reality of seeing a child grow before your eyes and other aspects of it that are difficult to verbalize is life’s great experience. Seeing the light in a child’s eyes when he or she has done something that pleases you is terrific
To those of you who wonder at the problems of bringing up children, don’t worry – you WILL cope. We have been through it all – the terrible twos; the teenage years; the expense. However, my wife and I now have three more wonderful friends – they are all productive members of society.
So, my advice is to seriously consider not only the objective criteria but also the emotional considerations. If you bse the decision only on a cost benefit analysis, you will lose
Some things have more value than can be analyzed with a spreadsheet.
I really think that economics generally comes into the analysis only when you are trying to decide how many kids to have (as in, we have three kids, can we really afford a fourth?). When you are deciding between a childless versus a child-full life, i don’t think economics plays that big a part. I am 40 and I have known my entire life I did not what kids. Despite the many people who said “you’re young” “you’ll change your mind” etc., I have never changed my mind, and I know I won’t. My boyfriend feels the same way. My reasons simply have nothing to do with economics. In fact they aren’t reasons at all. I simply don’t have the desire or the interest. Sure, when I spend $3000 on a trip to Europe or $500 on an extravagant mother’s day for my mom, I sometimes say to myself “I wouldn’t be able to do this if I had kids.” Sure, when I see bratty kids acting up on the subway or in restaurants, I may say to myself “wow, I’m so glad I don’t have kids.” But those aren’t the reasons I didn’t have kids. Just like when I see an adorable child, I can say “oh, how cute she/he is” but I don’t every think “maybe I should have had one of those.”
It seems to me that what you are listing are some of the “advantages” of not having kids, but not reasons not to have them.
For me, I’m just not that into kids. Although I can entertain them for a couple of hours, I don’t really enjoy their company in any great way. Whilst I can imagine having kids, I can’t quite fathom ever wanting to have them. I’ve always been like this, and nearly everyone has been saying that I’ll grow out of it for years (I’m in my late twenties).
Instead of having kids, I plan to do all the other things that you can do to fulfil your life. I also think that the sooner society stops thinking of kids as essential, the better – not only will it make it easier for people like me, but all those people that want kids but can’t have them.
“I also think that the sooner society stops thinking of kids as essential, the better – not only will it make it easier for people like me, but all those people that want kids but can’t have them.”
Of course, that whole biological imperative to keep the species around kinda gets in the way of this. It doesn’t seem like a good idea to actively discourage people from having children, especially if the reason to do so is just to make it easier for people who don’t want them to make that choice.
My wife and I don’t have kids. We met in our late twenty’s, and started late. We tried a few things and it just wasn’t going to happen, my wife had extreme endometriosis and “the plumbing” eventually had to go.
Naturally, everyone talks about adoption next. That is when we started thinking about WHY we wanted to have kids. For me, the whole incentive was to have a child with my wife. I don’t know if I would want to sign up for all that kids entail without them having a biological connection to my wife. I have little patience for them otherwise.
My wife feels the same way. We spoil ourselves and our dog.
Plus, we just decided that getting turned down by God & Mother Nature was enough. Friends we have in the same boat had to get turned down by a government beauracrat because my friend had an assault charge 22 years ago when he was 18. That would be hard to take.
From waker: “Seeing the light in a child’s eyes when he or she has done something that pleases you is terrific”
But that’s easily achievable by owning a dog. And the dog doesn’t have to go to college or worry about a boyfriend/girlfriend. And you can kennel a dog for a couple weeks while you go enjoy Italy. Can’t stick your kid in a cage for 2 weeks at a shelter and not expect to get arrested. Wait, can you?
“To those of you who wonder at the problems of bringing up children, don’t worry – you WILL cope”
But why would you want to force yourself to cope when you don’t have to? I’m also being a devil’s advocate here since we haven’t officially ruled the idea of having kids out, but the two statements I highlighted are the same ones I hear on my site, from my friends, and from my family. “You’ll get used to it”, “you’ll never know how you coped without kids”. Well, those answers just aren’t good enough for me right now, but I do understand and accept that having kids can’t be just a logical decision. You have to consider your emotions, and guys just don’t do that well.
So the decision will be my wife’s, and I’ll be here to make sure we can handle it financially if we decide to have kids.
re Clever Dude – what a sad commentary on your lives. It must be attributable to your youth. Stick to finances and trips to Italy (and your dog).
It’s nice to hear someone say outloud what most parents are thinking deep down. Kids are well worth it, but hell, they’re a lot of work.
Well, my hubby wants a kid, and I want one too, but we both think we’re not yet ready. My hubby thinks that it will be fun to have a kid and play games with him/her, but we both understand it’s a huge responsibility, too. I think in a way children is how we preserve part of ourselves when we pass on. Basically they are part of what we are. When I look at my grandparents I can clearly identify the traits that I inherited from each of them. So I think having children is sort of a way for humans to be immortal.
I have had a few friends confide in me saying if they had it to do all over again they would not have kids. It goes against everything we are taught in society to say such things but I believe it is a very honest and common thought. It does not mean they do not love their kids only the amount of work needed is not understandable until it is too late. The fact is after the kids arrive you can not undo it.
How many times have you heard someone say “I wouldn’t take anything for my kids but I don’t want any more.” I have many times.
The more I think about it the biggest complaint I hear from friends is not when the kids are young but after they are adults. Their adult kids “won’t work, still live at home or always in trouble.”
saladdin
I am 42 and never ever wanted children. The maternal instinct was (is) totally lacking in me and I knew my personality was not “kid friendly”. I knew as I grew older that I could never be as patient, kind and wonderful as my mom. I figured that all kids deserved a mom like mine, and I wouldn’t be that mom. My sister had her first child at age 40, second child at 43 (she’s 47 now) and I absolutely adore, love, and cherish her kids. So for me, it was never money it was just acknowledging the truth – I wasn’t mom material. But I am a great aunt!!!
My DH and I have never wanted children (we’ve both 32 and have been married for 10 years). We have always been open about not wanting to have children, but that hasn’t stopped people trying to convince us for the past 10 years that we need to have children. It’s a touch decision to make public, when people don’t accept it as an option and imply that you won’t know “true love” or have a fulfilled life if you don’t have children. (we finally made it final, DH got a vasectomy, now we can tell people we can’t have kids)
We decided not to for many reasons. First and foremost is we just didn’t want to have children of our own. We have nieces and a nephew and we are very involved in their lives and we plan to help them with college. We also have mental illnesses that run in our family and we would never want to pass that on to one of our children. We also decided that our time would be better off invested in children who are already in the world but don’t have parents and people around them who care about them. With our own children we wouldn’t have the time to invest in other children.
The hard part about not wanting to have kids is that everyone seems to think they need to talk you into having them. They see you as being selfish or immature because you don’t want them. In reality I think that it’s very mature to actually think it through before you have them. If our society was more open to the choice deliberately choosing to not have children, perhaps we would have a few less unwanted children around. My husband and I have deliberately chosen to not have our own so we can be involved in these kids lives.
Waker is so typical of that annoying personality who just can’t understand that people just might not want kids. If you disagree with him, he calls your life “sad.” (rolls eyes)
Great conversation! The strange thing for us was that when we decided to have baby #1, and now baby #2, there was nothing logical involved in it. We simply followed our hearts.
In my twenties I always thought I would live a very planned life, especially with regards to having children. But this is one area in our lives that cannot be one hundred percent controlled, as much as we try; (birth control can fail, vasectomies are not always 100% effective, and even adoption is not a guarantee). Children are always a sacrifice and always hard work.
And yes, I love my own dearly, but like many here I really can’t stand other people’s children.
I don’t take issue with anyone saying they don’t want children. I don’t argue with people who say, ‘I know I will never….’ I think that people try to persuade such people to change their minds because OBVIOUSLY people change, and no one stays the same forever. That doesn’t mean you will eventually want kids, but it does mean that you do invite criticism, (perhaps unfair), by using those words.
Perhaps just respecting other’s opinions would go a long way in our society…
While I wouldn’t call their life sad, I think anyone that believes they get the same thing from having a dog as they would from having a kid has no idea what they are talking about. At best, having a dog is like having a perpetual 2 year old that you can put down when it has health problems. You really need to multiply the enjoyment you get from a dog by about a million to understand what having a kid is like. I’m not saying having a kid is perfect or easy, it isn’t but comparing it to having a pet is going to offend some people (much like how most dog owners get offended if you compare their dog to the tree you planted in your back yard).
I’ve had a dog and I have a kid and I have a much tougher time understanding why anyone would want a dog than a kid at this point.
Keep in mind that it is better not to ask someone why they don’t want to have kids. They could very easily be covering for their infertility. For that matter, it’s rude to ask if they want kids in the first place.
Perhaps it is possible to find happiness in pursuing something other than that which is merely self-serving.
Pets are not “like children”. But if you don’t want kids, please don’t have them.
And if you don’t want pets, don’t have them either. ;^)
I have two boys, one almost 22 and one 18. Yeah, still at home, but so what? They are a lot easier to deal with now than when they were little! They add to my life, in immeasurable ways, but others feel differently in what they value and that is fine. We’ve certainly made economic choices by having kids that we otherwise would not have had to make. So what? Everyone’s values are different.
I’ve enjoyed the experience of raising two unique individuals who have great intelligence and humor. I suppose if you don’t want to have that experience in life, there are other experiences that are as enjoyable.
But not more so. ;^)
Our son is a little over a year old now. He has cost us a lot of money and will continue to do so for many years but is worth every penny of it and more!
Although having a kid can be stressful and expensive sometimes it will change your life for the better.
The reasoning for people want or don’t want to have kids is more of self-centric. I often heard people said they want (or don’t want) to have kids because they like (or don’t like) kids. This is totally wrong to me. Kids are humans not things. If we like cars or clothes, we may want to have/own them. But for humans, the main issue is what we can give to our children if we bring them into this world. To successfully bring up a child so that s/he can fully realize her/his inherent mental/physical potentials and awareness needs a lot love and wisdoms from the parents. To me, it seems not many people are qualified to be parents, not even myself.
For those who are considering parenting, I would encourage them to ask themselves what my children will get from me if they are born into my family. Do I have enough love to give them? Do I have enough wisdom to guide them? What’s the financial responsibility I will need to raise them? These questions are certainly more important to the children than any others, I believe.
a kid is a kid, why does it has to be your own?
I am completely agree with Susy, that’s probably 1st and far most reason for us (we married 10 years and in our late 30) not having kid. We have way too many un-planned kids in our society, adding my own is not a way to carry on my trait, or emotion or else, since you can’t guarantee what kind of society “my own” kid will be growing up with. I don’t want “oh, so cute” but then s/he will face school shooting, global warming, war, on and on. everyday you’re turning on your news, stop thinking about how you feel of bringing another human being into life, but please also think about how that human will live her life.
And for those who wants kid, what have you done to make this world a better place for your “own” kid? Did you vote? Did you recycle? Did you plan a tree? Did you ride your bike? Did you change your light bulb? Did you save? Did you have a plan for me more than how to go through a day and my college (if i’m lucky to have such parent even think that far)?
If you think you’re financially prepared for a kid, you are NOT qualified to have one. A kid is far beyond the green bills.
My husband and I have decided not to have children for another reason: He already has them. He had children with his first wife. After the second, he got a vasectomy because he figured he just couldn’t handle it again. We know, it could be reversed. I have always said I don’t want my own children. There are too many kids in the foster care system that have been in bad homes for that. I would much rather take care of a child that is already here than bring my own into it. I have a syndrome that makes it so that it is possible that I may be infertile, but we dont’ care to find out. Too much headache, hospital stays, heartache and wishing involved if you start the process of reversing vasectomies and testing fertilities when you can give that same love and time to a child that already exists.
We get crap from my mother about only having one so I think no matter what you decide to do, whether it be to have zero or a dozen, someone will raise an eyebrow at your decision.
I think some people decide to have kids because it lets them recapture their own youth. The reason I decided to have a child rather than not, was to give her the childhood I had. I had a great childhood, and I’d selfishly like to relive it through the eyes of my little girl. That’s not the only reason but it’s way up there, and with the holidays fast approaching it’s in the forefront.
After a certain age, for me at least, birthdays weren’t a big deal anymore. Halloween? Just another night. No trick or treating. No fun costumes. Sure I could have dressed up and gone out but… it’s not the same. It had a stale “been there done that” sort of feeling. Christmas wasn’t as fa la la la la as it used to be. Sometimes buying presents felt like an obligation because I didn’t feel the excitement or joy in it. (Thanksgiving is probably the only holiday that feels the same year after year but only because the menu at my moms house never changes. Thank goodness for Thanksgiving!)
You know that goofy excited feeling you used to get as a kid in expectation of some future event? Like a trip to a water park, or the thought of Christmas morning? Pure, tingly, unfettered joy that just has to come out in random bursts of excited energy that has you hollering all over the house and rolling on the floor with fits and giggles?
I’d lost it. I missed it. And I wanted it back.
And it’s back. It’s like a half dead part of my life is resuscitated. Everything is new again. Everything is exciting. The bathtub is an amazing adventure. Light switches are a joy. The vacuum cleaner is scary but that’s ok because after it’s done eating it goes back to sleep in it’s cave for a few days. Don’t even get me started about paper bags. Oh rapture! My husband is excited about the Zoo. He brings it up at least once a week. “I can’t wait until she’s old enough to understand the Zoo! I can’t wait to show her the lemurs!” Before Chloe, the Zoo wasn’t nearly as exciting…
There’s just so much to share.
And even though I try to explain to my mother that it only takes one baby to bring the magic, she continues to lament for the baby and her lack of siblings. What can ya do?
As a single mother of a daughter in her 3rd year of college, I would say I am definately glad I had a child. We divorced when she was only 3, so I basicallly raised her by myself. I always say raising a child is like the Marine Corp, it’s the toughtest job you’ll ever love!
I knew at an early age I didn’t want kids, but my reasons are a bit more cynical– frankly, I think the world is a bleak place and the prospects for the future are only going to get worse. And let’s be real, there’s diddley squat we can do about the decisions made by the greedy and powerful. When the best thing you can hope for your children is that they can scratch out an existance and hope not to get noticed by the powers-that-be, it’s time to think that maybe if you love these little guys it’s best to leave them in the realm of the unrealized.
lightfeather, I enjoyed your comment. It is so very true, I love childish things too. I am not ready for a child for a long time, but I do eventually want them, I just want it to be when it works out for me and it is a good time in my life. I dont feel the rush that everyone else feels to have kids early. I rather enjoy my carefree days while they are here and be prepared for the extra responsibility when I want it
We are choosing not to have children and have both felt that way even before we met each other. Like the question, “when are you guys getting married?”, equally annoying is “when are you having a baby?” or “why aren’t you having a baby?” Luckily, the decision got made for me when I was 22 and lost an ovary to a cyst and was diagnosed with severe endometriosis. While that may have been devastating for some people, I have no doubt, to me it just helped me know that what I felt in my heart about having children was really the way it was meant to be. I’ve never looked back and am lucky enough to have a man who feels that same way.
Responding to “Waker” above – you are right that there can be nothing more special or wonderful than bringing a child into the world. IF, and only IF, that is what you and your partner WANT more than anything in this world. There are so many people who have children because that’s what you’re “supposed to do” or worse, by accident or for crazy reasons like “it will save our marriage”. This can lead to strains of all kinds, financial, mental, emotional that can manifest in the children in unexpected and many times, sad ways, especially if it is making an already bad situation all the worse.
Like Amy and others above, we love and absolutely treasure our nieces and nephews and the children of our close friends. But, too, it is easy to see the cracks sometimes in the marriage or the career of these parents that are dear to us. Maybe it is selfish NOT to have children, but sometimes it is equally as selfish to have them, if it is not for the right reasons.
I am a happily childfree, and happily married, 40 year old woman with a decent career and an interesting life–and I am frankly tired of having to constantly explain my choice. People who have kids don’t have to keep explaining why they have them. Not really fair, is it?
I’m a chidless woman in her late 30s married to a man with a toddler from his first marriage. The reason he and his ex had a child was simple – “If you get married you are supposed to have a baby. No reason the get married otherwise. Get me pregnant or move out.” He chose the have a baby route and things then deteriorated to the point that he did move out before the baby was born. She wanted a child to dress up and take to parties, she didn’t even consider the other responsibilites. Now, she has become a very good mother, to her credit, but still has no concept of what is ahead of her. Me, I never wanted a child because I recognize that I am selfish and just don’t want to have to get up early on the weekends or lose my space. Not socially acceptable, but real. Even with living with a toddler 50% of the time that desire hasn’t changed – I love him when he is there and enjoy the interaction with him, but certainly don’t want that interaction all the time.
Many years ago, Ann Landers did a servey twice to ask parents if they had to do it over again – that is- have children – would they? The overwhelming numbers with adult children said they would not!
Having kids is a personal decision. My husband and I get asked all the time when this is going to happen, primarily I think not because people are trying to be rude, but because in our parents generation all the women stayed at home and had kids, so that was the social norm. In my husbands family, many of the women are still like that. There is NOTHING wrong with this choice today, however it is not the choice for everyone. I love my career and the lifestyle it affords our family, so I have to ask myself if it is fair to have kids when they will be day care from 4 months old until they are grown? (My husband also likes his job and does not plan to stay home either.)
In our case, we will probably have kids eventually. However, we are determined to wait until we are financially OK (i.e. large credit card depts are paid off) and are ready for the responsibility (I’m 28 and not there yet). Unlike many women my age, I have a sister 20 years younger than myself and I KNOW the responsibility of taking care of a baby and am not all the eager to take that on again.
I think many people have a fantasy of what a baby will do for their lives and jump into it without fully considering how life changing it will be. I’ve known people to have kids to “fix” their marraige or because all their friends were doing it at the time. Several years later, many of these couples are divorced and the kids are being raised in single parent households. Is that really fair to the children? I think that once you have kids, your life SHOULD be devoted to raising those kids the best you can, which includes putting them above yourself (isn’t that what love is about?). Kids are going to cause conflict in your marraige (and are definitely not going to always behave in the manner you want), so you need to think hard and long about if your marraige is strong enough before you have them. This is not to put down anyone who is raising a child alone, (in fact I think single parents are amazing to take on that task.) I am just saying that a child can’t get from one parent what they can get from two, and with divorce rate being what it is, children are the ones who are suffering for those who have decided to have children without thinking about what it takes to raise a child well.
I think everyone’s decision is there own, it is unfair for parents/relatives/friends to pressure you to have kids just because they want grandchildren or neices and nephews to spoil for a few hours a week.
We tell those that ask that it will happen when “the good Lord sees fit, if ever” and that shuts most of them up.
KIDS ??????. WHAT’S THAT???
Everything that was stated in the Devil’s advocate article is technically accurate- children really are expensive and time consuming. And I always knew I wanted children, so I started preparing early. I got good grades in high school and college, made career decisions that would later provide me a stable schedule (I still have to work full time, but I wanted to avoid 60 hour weeks), and chose to put my money into a home that would be a good place to raise kids rather than spending it on travel, electronics, or spa treatments. Not that I didn’t want those things- I just knew I wanted children more. I chose my husband for many reasons, but his willingness to have children and ability to be a good parent were critical. I planned on having two children but apparently some higher power approved of my preparations…my second pregnancy resulted in twins (completely spontaneous- no fertility treatments necessary).
I love my children so much, and I can’t imagine life without any one of them…and I’m not having any more. There are some days when I wonder why I did it. It is really hard (my twins are still toddlers). But it is wonderful.
I will have plenty of time to travel, buy expensive toys, and get spa treatments after my children are grown up. Yes, I do look forward to it. These days I almost never go to the movies or out for dinner, but you know what, I don’t miss it. I’m doing what is important right now. I’m doing what I have chosen to do.
For me, having children was something I wanted to do. For others, it is not, and I totally respect that. It is too hard a thing to do unless you really want to do it.
I am just eternally grateful that I live in a time and place where people can control their own fertility and have the ability to chose their life’s path.
Great post. I never wanted kids, mu husband wants a dozen or so. You’d think we would have worked this out before we got married, but we didn’t, so now we have one (as a compromise). So I fully understand the people who don’t want kids, and I have to say, though my son is a precious doll, in a perfect world, I wouldn’t have chosen parenthood for myself.
Having chosen it regardless of many misgivings, I can say this: having a child does change your perspective and the way you relate to the world. You stop being selfish, you start thinking about children and families all over the world with concern, and you take time for the good things in life – playing! reading! laughing! making silly faces! I guess that’s the silver lining, for someone who ends up with a kid that maybe they didn’t plan on having.
My wife and I are professionals in our early 40′s and we have 5 kids, and not for religious reasons either. We wanted 4 and the fifth was definitely a bonus. It’s tremendous work and unless you really want to have kids, don’t.
Previous posters and this article have mentioned the negatives: they are true. For now, all of our rewards are in the intangible categories but they have definitely made up for all the tangible stuff that our peers enjoy. We are overjoyed (and overwhelmed, at times) with our children.
To those of you who decided to not have any kids: thanks, we’re making up for you guys. Don’t feel guilty and enjoy your life. Our children have enriched and changed our lives in ways unimaginable. It’s great that we can all have a choice. Don’t do anything, especially like having children, because of what other people want you to do.
I am 43 years old and married at 39 years old. My husband has 3 kids 24, 19 16. Yes I would like us to have our own, but just taking care of his is enough. Their mother has no job and is very irreponsible(and at 43 she just had another baby and living off the system). People that have children and can not afford them or have the proper parenting skills have no business having children. I have 1 neice and 2 nephew I adore, and I am a great step-mom I have helped and supported my husband through alot. His 3 kids are all doing so much better. Having a child is huge, you must really play the whole tape out and see if you really have it in you. I was once told by a dear friend that you just don’t live if you don’t have children. Well she is not a dear friend no longer and we are living just fine. I work with all sorts of people in the physical therapy field and to see someone get better from me helping them, after experiencing pain is living and to see my step kids suceed with the guidance from my husband and I is rewarding. (it has been tough to be step parent)But to have kids is huge plus today with the way the world is. Plus women you are you, you don’t have to have a child to be someone……
Wow not having children. If people don’t want to have kids that is there choice and I respect that. We have four with one on the way. I love my kids to death. I don’t miss a $50,000 auto or the big fancy house. I’m never lonely and our kids always have something to do. Is it a big sacrifice. Well to some people it would be it all depends on your priorities. I get to mold 5 kids for the future. Its a big job but very rewarding. I deal with people for a living and see a few families with 3 or 4 kids. When they are older and they come back to visit it is such a site to see. It depends if you are into biological things or material. To those who are scared of kids things are not that bad. Where did you come from. Just give back to them a bit more than your parents gave to you and you’ll be fine. (Time not things). Good luck to all parents.
We have been married 20 years. Without kids we:
Don’t worry about bringing childern into a world influenced by whims and trends peddled by religion, media, and advocacy groups.
1) Cuddle and hug in the evening while watching TV.
2) Go on vacations before and after kids are out of school.
3) Payed off a 30 year mortgage in 10 years.
4) Are preparing for an early retirement.
5) Payed cash for new cars.
6) Enjoy the company of kids when they are around.
7) Have interesting conversations without interuptions.
9) Be ourselfs. Not worry about having to act one way when we are alone and another way when the kids are around.
10) Enjoy the freedom of a childless life style.
We all make major decisions of how we want to live our lives. For those of you who have childern, we wish you well. We hope you had them because you genuinely wanted them, and seriously considered how your life would change once childern are your responsibility.
Just because we don’t have childern doesn’t mean we are selfish, self centered, or all about money. We are very happy. If we had decidied to have childern, we would still be happy because we would have embraced and loved them and the life it entails.
To treat this topic as something negative, e.g., putting it in the subpages of MSN in the Devil’s Advocate column is absurd. Deciding to not have childern is not good or bad, it’s a choice of life style.
My kids kick up their heels, run around, play and butt their heads together. When they are hungry they suck on their mamma’s teets. Sometimes two or three of them at one time. Some of them are smart and learn to jump up on trash cans and buckets at an early age. Others get their heads caught in the fence and whin all night until I help them out. They are cute when they are sleeping, but aren’t all kids? I’ll never be able to potty train these kids. All I can do is watch them poo on the ground. I can’t wait for them to grow up and start giving milk or I can sell them off and make some money off of them. I’m sorry were you talking about kids or childern? I have them too. Some of them have similar habits.
I admit to only reading the first ten of those, but I bet my response will be rare if not unique; I think that having children basically passes on the burden of, “What will I do with my life?” Once one has kids, the default response is, “raise them, and hope they figure out something.”
I want to make a real contribution to the world, instead of just milling around and expecting my descendants (which there won’t be any of) to pick up the slack and accomplish something great.
Someone above said: “It doesn’t seem like a good idea to actively discourage people from having children, especially if the reason to do so is just to make it easier for people who don’t want them to make that choice.”
We’re not telling people who want children not to have them — just trying to make it clear that people should be more confident about making the choice NOT to have them, instead of being pressured into it because “that’s what you do.” All it takes is one trip to Costco or Walmart to find a mom or dad who is obviously not all that happy about their role as a parent (yelling at his/her kid, ignoring them, even hitting them). If we didn’t make childless couples feel so uncomfortable with that decision, maybe less unwanted (and forever screwed-up) children would be born.
And yes — maybe having kids would give me happiness that I could never know unless I actually had them. But maybe NOT having kids would have given YOU peace of mind that YOU will never know. If I don’t ever experience it — guess what? I won’t miss it. Let’s have respect for our own different decisions and agree that it’s a matter of individual choice.
LIVE AND LET LIVE is a lesson many could benifit from learning. as a woman in my mid 20′s i am sick and tired of being told that “i’ll change my mind”, or various relatives suggesting that i’m “selfish” for not wanting to have kids (or get married for that matter). hell, many (my own mother included) say that “just having one kid” is a sign of selfishness cause you aren’t “inconvenienced” enough for it to “count”.
people need to realize that it takes all kinds of people to make this world and that means that not all of them will have the same ideas about what makes life fulfilling as you do. i am still young, i may meet the “right” person and i may change my mind if that ever happens, but for now i am happy just being myself and living my life.
I was reading through the all the comments very intently. Then I saw the (4 above this one) the one from Jerry. That was hysterical!!! As I’m reading, I’m thinking yes my kids kick up their heels, run around and play. But then he said butting heads? And jumping on trash cans and buckets? Pooing on the ground??? What???? I’m thinking he’s got some wild childern there!! My kids never did that!!! Then I realized he was talking about goats!!!!!
That was funny Jerry!!!! Thanks for the great laugh!!!!! Best comment here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, some pretty interesting comments! I’m glad to see that there are some highly intellegent people (beginning to wonder if i’m alone) out there that actually will THINK about raising children. I decided not to have children. My own reasons aside, I feel liberated to know that there are folks out there that feel the same and we are all treated the same for our decisions. I’ve been told all the same things listed above even been told i’m not a “complete person” or even felt shamed that I feel the way I do by my hairdresser (who got preggers by accident). Now she feels like the “in” crowd with all the other “mommies”. Has anyone out there been to a PTO meeting? What a bunch of self-centered babies those parents are-can you imagine their kids? My husband has a 13 yr old son he didn’t plan on. And like the comments from oso I try and do the best I can when he is here and I actually get mad when I find out his mother would do something I would not! The sad thing is I spent more time with him than his father does which brings me to another good point. If both people don’t HONESTLY believe they can dedicate the time, mental ability, and love then one person is going to do most of the work. I knew that my husband wouldn’t contribute much to it so I decided that I didn’t need another little me around. I knew I was selfish. It takes real intellegence to know it and it takes maturity to ADMIT it to yourself. I get so frustrated to see the “baby watch” in hollywood. It conveys the wrong message to people. Children ARE NOT fashion items. If that were the case then you could hang them up in the closet and forget about them till the next season! I know that with all the time & energy I put into my nieces, when I get old and useless I will be alone. I take comfort in the fact that there are dogs. They will love you unconditionally, be there for you as much as they can. I’m not saying they replace having kids but for some folks not being judged and still loved is enough. I love kids as long as I can give them back to their parents.