Comments on: Don’t Have Kids

By: Lynne

Lynne — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 19:06:22 +0000

I’m 38, and not sure whether I ever want children, I think most people who have them shouldn’t and I am incredibly sick of people asking me about it or judging me for it. I wouldn’t matter to me in no one ever had a child again..hah. Really I am not kidding. What’s the big deal? I can barely afford myself let alone a child, and if I did have one I would never see it because I would be working. I say if it happens it happens. This isn’t the fifties anymore people. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

By: Christine27

Christine27 — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:42:36 +0000

I’m on the fence about kids, but leaning more towards having at least one. I’m 27 and my husband is 40 and really wants kids. The biggest problem is not so much our own feelings but other people. I know that the norm is for people and relatives to hound you about having kids and pressure you into it, but our case is the opposite. We’ve been married for 5 years and our relatives have always been against it. People at our church have talked to my husband, and said that we should never have kids. What gives them the right to say things like that? I find it very rude and hurtful. A deacon at church even offered to take my husband to get a vasectomy while I was away. I don’t know if it was a joke or not, but it really offended my husband. We may not be financially well off, but I’ve never heard of people having that kind of attitude towards a married couple. It makes my decision to have kids a lot harder. I don’t want everyone to get mad at us. How should I handle this??

By: Frosbite

Frosbite — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 03:32:16 +0000

What it simply comes down to for me is that I am not a social person, I do not want people bothering me when I’m not working and I definitely don’t want something breathing relying on me every single minute of the day when I come home tired unless it’s a dog or cat since they’re easy to shut up. I get a lot of pressure from my grandparents and their religious mumbo jumbo all the time about how it’s “right” to create a family, but I don’t cave to it. It’s my choice, and personally when things look grim for the future, I don’t care. I’m not leaving anything to live in it.

Have kids if you want, it’s your right. But please do me a favor and don’t make them spoiled and annoying to others in public places like a supermarket. Those are the worst kinds of children I ever encounter.

By: Used to B ChildFree

Used to B ChildFree — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 16:12:17 +0000

@Maelo

We have no regret of our accidental child. Most of the people are just joking when they ask you to trade lives. It’s an inside joke amongst parents that life is hectic with a baby/toddler/child/teen. And when most parents complain to each other of never getting any sleep, it is in some strange way a form of bonding. These jokes are saying “I totally understand.” It’s like a fraternity or sorority, and it’s all part of the hazing. You won’t understand unless you ever had one.

And I won’t lie. It is terrible sometimes. Sometimes you want to sleep in on a Saturday or not be bothered with whining. But in the grand scheme of things, these are trivial luxuries. So what if I don’t get to sleep till 10am on Saturdays for the first 6-8yrs. In the end, we’re all dead anyway, so I figure there will be lots of time for sleeping in at the end of our short lives.

When we were childless, we used to have pity for friends who were parents who always seemed tired. We told ourselves “thank god we don’t have to deal with all of that.” Now after having our own child, I feel pity on myself for the way I used to think.

However, we are like you, Maelo, concerning the “all or nothing.” Once we realized we weren’t having an abortion or giving our son up for adoption, we give our whole hearts into it. So far, he’s 2 yrs old, and you can definitely tell he is well taken care of and loved.

However, some people shouldn’t have kids due to physical health or mental issues.

By: D

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 22:19:46 +0000

I met and lost the one person I ever truly loved over her desire to have children.

Children were a price, I could pay for her to stay. The pain that this has caused as a consequence of my choice is at times unbearable. This choice was made 20 years ago,

Would I make it again?

YES!

Will the pain continue?

Yes!

By: Michelle

Michelle — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 19:46:17 +0000

NO, sorry. “demented people” are the ones like YOU…you’re also the definition of selfish.
And just because you have kids does NOT guarantee they’ll take care of you when you get old so you won’t “die alone” as you put it.
You make it sound like a person must have children in order to be happy. What a CROCK.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 19:41:11 +0000

I’m a 40 years old woman, no kids, who is slated to have a tubal this Friday for birth control reasons. I had an abnormal Pap, and I have HPV, so they need to take out my IUD anyway. When I was younger, I just “figured” I’d have kids, since nearly everyone seemed to be doing it. But, I’ve never had that “craving” for a child. As my surgery date approaches, I’m having some second thoughts, and have been doing LOTS of searching and reading on the Internet. Like I said, I’ve never craved a baby, but the pressure from society on couples to have kids is enormous, and then there’s the unspoken judgement of “what? you don’t want kids? something is definitely wrong with you.”
I SO appreciate that you had the guts to be honest on here about your feelings. Not many people are able to do that, especially in regard to the subject of children and parenting. I’m afraid that if I went ahead and got pregnant (and THAT would be mainly because of societal pressure), that I would very very much regret having had a child.
It is very helpful to hear from honest people like yourself who have the guts to speak from the heart, and be truthful. Your email very much helped me, and I wanted to take a moment and let you know. =)
~Michelle

By: Jason Kamler

Jason Kamler — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 02:55:28 +0000

After reading numerous comments, I noticed the theme of raising kids to be a “real accomplishment in life”. I don’t quite understand what that means exactly. If raising kids to be good adults becomes the ultimate measure of success, then the “raised kids” are required to raise kids as their ultimate measure of success. But, what kind of kids are people supposed to raise other than kids who want to grow up to have kids. I am not trying to be argumentative but I feel like I am missing something. Isn’t there more to it than that? What about kids that are concerned about the environment, poverty, hunger, war, injustice?

By: MAELO

MAELO — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 08:31:15 +0000

Kids are great but I can’t help to notice the envy (yes envy and I assume it’s of the freedom I still have of still living a childless life that makes them feel that way) in some parent’s reaction, who are around my age, (29) when I tell them that I don’t have kids. Almost always they ask me, jokingly of course, “Want to trade lives?” But why even mention it?

If I’ve known 50 couples with kids in my lifetime close to a 1/3 of them have given a clear indication they would go back to the childless life and some of these have been high school teachers and relatives. That is a 1/3 too many! I suppose it’s as simple as if you “feel it” then you will have kids and if you don’t “feel it” then you won’t. I’m gonna give this parenthood one more consideration but “jump with both feet or don’t jump at all” is my attitude.

This question is to the parents with no or very little regret of becoming parents: What motivated you to become parents? I’m sure there will be no wrong answers. Thanks!

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 13:38:28 +0000

What has happened to our society? I am married and have children…we all MAKE choices! But you know what happens, I’ll tell you…LIFE GETS TOUGH!! But the minute it does, we scream divorce. The minute it gets hard, we scream “I SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD CHILDREN.” When is everyone going to realize that is is absolutely NOT ABOUT YOU!! It’s about how people grow and mature and care about one another. Having children (If you choose) is a personal choice. If you made that choice, then BE THE BEST DAD AND MOM YOU CAN BE!! and stop whining about the choice you made! I just wish there were more people like LINA who are comfortable in their own skin, then rehashing aboout how their lives are so miserable! Nobody held the marriage gun to your head! Marriage is a serious choice. We should ALL have given it a lot of thought. Children are a serious choice. Maybe now is not the right time..maybe never. The fact is to understand yourself. Those who “feel” pressure to have kids b/c society is trying to tell them to do so? Tell them to go get a life!!

By: Lira

Lira — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 08:32:23 +0000

My parents were childfree for 10 years as my mother definetely did not want kids. Then her father died and she was told she would need a hysterectomy sooner or later, and that if she wanted kids, she would have to get her skates on. Which she did, and so my parents had me. When I was 18 months old my father had an affair basically because he was jealous of me, which lasted a year and left my mum devastated. They stayed together for my sake but the whole atmosphere at home was thoroughly miserable as my mum had anorexia and depression and my dad was almost made bankrupt at one stage. Both my parents were control freaks, possibly because they had so many problems going on in their own lives that they just didn’t have time for mine. I think they saw me as a possession more than anything else. As an only child all the expectation was placed on me – I was expected to be perfect and cheerful at all times, I wasn’t allowed to have emotions. I don’t think they quite knew what to do with kids, my dad used to beat me for miniscule misdemeanours such as just looking miserable!! (he broke my nose on one occasion) – and my mother used to say to me: “You need me. I don’t need you” and “I’d rather have animals than have you”. She told me of my father’s previous affair when I was 16 and from that point on I never wanted to have kids as long as I lived (my parents are now divorced due to another affair of my father’s). One of the reasons my own marriage broke up was because I didn’t want kids (my ex knew I wasn’t keen but thought he could change me) – it would have been impractical anyway since there would have been no way we could have afforded it. I love my current bf dearly, and we’ve sort of bashed the child issue around a bit but again it is impractical since neither of us earns enough. I also admit that I am extremely selfish. I am very introverted and sensitive to noise, and contact with people in general – they can exhaust me very quickly and I need some respite and a few days away from society to collect my thoughts and regain my energy again. I am artistic and musical, and can only really think in complete silence, without distractions. Don’t get me wrong, I do like contact with people but on my own terms…I believe you really have to like *people* and be relatively extroverted to be a successful parent. There also seem to be so many kids that had/have an unhappy childhood, I wouldn’t wish anyone to go through what I have, for example (or worse) – that’s just torturing another human being. Right now, I’m not talking to my parents, as I don’t really feel they ever cared less about me and my feelings – my father used to say to me “I’m not interested in what you have to say”. There just wasn’t what I’d call love there – or if there was it was unreliable, I never felt safe or protected (I felt more at risk of being abused or beaten up, and still do – I am so wary of telling people about my early life – my ex abused me and tried to strangle me following my confiding in him – I don’t want to live with family or a partner again). So those are my reasons for not wanting to have kids. I actually think it’s a positive thing, since at least I don’t have the worry about fertiity issues hanging over my head like many women do. Basically I had the messages drummed into me that kids are bad, and not to have them. Now I know that kids are not bad, they’re just small and naive human beings. But because of the knocks I have had in life and my own selfish needs and wants and desires (I am as selfish as my parents but recognize it better), I know that I would not make a very good parent. However, I hope that I can enrich society in other ways through my art and music. There is this unhappy side to me that I’ve just spoken about, but my prerogative in life now is to try to forget about that and put it behind me, just to be happy and cheerful and try to cheer people I come into contact with up. Whether they are related to me or not.

By: Jenn

Jenn — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 23:06:42 +0000

Alright, so I just turned 31 and the decision to have children is weighing heavy on my mine. Sometimes, I have the urge to have children but it is not something I dwell on. However, for some reason lately all I am surrounded by is newborn babies and pregnant women. Everybody I know has families by now and appear happy. I just don’t know how to explain it but I feel like I should have what they have. I feel left out or not normal. Of course, I guess you would have to have someone in your life first to have a child. I really don’t know what the hell is wrong with me right now hopefully it will pass sooooon

By: Used to B ChildFree

Used to B ChildFree — Thu, 07 May 2009 13:55:11 +0000

I’m 29 yrs old, and I don’t regret having my son, but I will tell you that my wife and I only need one to get the experience. Other couples we know want at least two children, but I think since we never wanted ONE in the beginning we don’t have that urge.

We’ve been married 10 yrs, and our child is 1.5 yrs old. He is a joy and a pain, but I am glad he is here to add to my already wonderful life. Isn’t life about experiences? Or is it just about getting to sleep till 10am on a Saturday morning like someone mentioned. hahaha how sad.

We’re both in high paying careers, and both have master degrees. I can actually see myself changing recently to fit my world a little more around my son’s instead of the other way around like it has been for the prior year.

I have a demanding career, but near the end of the day now, I can not wait to see him smile and get a hug, and hear him babble about his day even though he doesn’t make sense yet.

But definitely during the bad moments, wife and I agree NO MORE CHILDREN for us.

And for the people who think it’s taboo that they feel they wished they hadn’t had kids, think of this. Would you be okay with somebody kidnapping your child? That would take you back to where you started. But guess what, you really do love your child and do not want to give them up for anything.

For the guy who had 3 and didn’t want 2. Sucks to be you.

By: Brianna

Brianna — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 13:37:36 +0000

Laura,
I completely agree with you. I also am married to a man well older than myself. He has had a vasectomy and we had talked about the possibility of having kids if I ever wanted to. I think that is rather sweet of him to think of me but for now I do not want to have a child. I have also thought about the fact of ending up alone due to my husbands age. And yes, having a child for that reason is selfish in my opinion.

Even when I was younger I did not want children so at the age of 25 I don’t really see my views changing.

By: Jon

Jon — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 23:12:35 +0000

So all you care about is being remembered? Kind of petty…