But I want to offer the practical solution that has worked for us: separate “allowance” accounts for personal, both needed and wanted, items: going out for drinks, eating out for lunch, clothes, gadgets, haircuts etc. Neither one of us ever questions what the other is spending. It also allows room for gifts without the other one seeing.

However, I will note that we still check in with each other on bigger ticket items, even with this freedom, just because we like a second opinion. As in, “what do you think of this phone?”, “do you like this shirt, etc.”

But as much of a feminist as I am, I also agree with Lynnae that no matter who earns what in the relationship, advising women to offer encouragement to the men in their lives is good advice that I’ve never really considered. It’s not that we women don’t need respect too, but I do think that being encouraging to men doesn’t occur to many women, especially of my young demographic.

We younger women have grown up being encouraged so strongly, asserting ourselves in every way, focusing intently on pushing up to and surpassing men, earning money, being independent. This is all well and good and long overdue. But in the process, no one (least of all women) is encouraging the men anymore. And they’re feeling more and more like failures – or at least that they’re not as important/valued/necessary anymore.

Far be it for me to feel sorry for the manfolk after all we women have endured, but the fact of the matter is that men are actually very vulnerable and often insecure creatures who can and do crumble emotionally in the face of a lack of encouragement, especially when they are struggling. Men are conditioned to solve, to satisfy, to support, to be strong, to succeed. When they fall short we modern women are quick to harass them, to claim victory, to express dissatisfaction, to dumpt them, or to sigh wearily and take over yet ANOTHER responsibility he can’t handle (whether it be changing the diapers or bringing home a paycheck).

“Sexist” or not, remembering to offer encouragement even when we don’t feel like it is probably good advice–for both genders, to be sure, but especially for women.

I didn’t mean to drag you over the coals. As I said, I was a bit taken aback. Overall, I thought your post was great, and, as other commentators have mentioned, when I hear about your situation, I feel more comfortable with your observations – not that my comfort matters. My situation is exactly the opposite of yours. I am the sole breadwinner and my partner has been unemployed for the last two months. Your post struck a cord – that’s a good thing. But then again, according to Adfecto, I’m an “overzealous feminist.” Ha.

I can use this quote and use it to answer the question “Saladdin, why aren’t you married?”

“Let it slide.” Funny stuff.

saladdin

I will admit that this was a last minute guest post, so it didn’t get the usual editorial attention that I usually give my posts. And I can certainly see how someone who’s never read my blog would be offended, and I’m sorry for that.

I only know one perspective, and that’s mine. I’m coming from the perspective of a stay at home mom in a one income family. Allow was probably not the best choice of words. But I do know that my husband doesn’t tend to notice stuff like throw pillows or nice wall hangings, and at the beginning of our marriage, he saw them as a frivolous use of money. Perhaps I should have said, “don’t argue with your wife when she wants to buy something for the home.”

As far as respect goes, I know that respect is important for both members of the couple. In my experience, though, it’s vital for a husband to feel respected. We just went through a time when my husband had lost his job, and honestly that’s what I was thinking about when I wrote that last part. In a stressful situation, sometimes it’s easy to turn on your spouse and blame them. Instead, it’s important to reassure them that you believe in them. And since in our case, it was my husband that needed the reassurance, that’s how it came out in my writing.

So thanks for pointing out things I could have changed, and thanks for not flaming me! I’ll try to be more clear next time.

Rereading my post, I realize that I didn’t try to be helpful, for that I apologize.

This is a guest post. Many of us have never read your blog. I believe it would have been good for you tell a little more about your life (I’m a homemaker, my husband is the breadwinner) and then expand on the subject of your post — this is what works for us… As opposed to a general “this will work for all of you”

I read many blogs written by people with whom I have little in common; there is a man who often writes about the importance of tithing to his church. And while I’m not Christian, the way he presents his information (again with the “this is what works for us”), has had an effect upon my charitable donations.

I guess this tl;dr post can be boiled down to know your audience.

Thank you for sharing with us, and thank you for your attention.

I have no desire to get in a flame war. My offense came from the word “allow.”

Allow implies control. When a man or woman has control over their spouse’s decisions, not just a say in them, it is sexist — no matter the source of the control.

Just because an author writes a piece that refers to the stereotypical gender roles, it does not make it sexist or offensive. Bloggers write from their own perspectives. Are you going to think I am sexist simply because I happen to be a “sole bread winner and control the finances?” That is the perspective I write from, but it does not mean that I am a sexist person. What is wrong with a woman respecting her man or picking him up when he has hard times?

Your offense comes from wrongfully implying that a man should NOT respect his woman and that a man should NOT support his wife if she has professional struggles. Your over zealous feminism is creating something that is not there in the first place. It is incorrect logic to imply subtext when it was never intended (if A implies B and NOT A implies NOT B, that does not always mean NOT B implies NOT A). Don’t waist your life looking for nitpicks and finding insult where none is intended. Sure the post isn’t the perfect one size fits all look at relationships and money, but rather than be “unbelievably offended,” instead realize that this post is written in a positive way. It was not about putting women down but saying that they should be supportive and couples need to recognize their differences and compromise. What is so terrible about that?

What happened to spouses being partners? Both of us work, both of us bring in a paycheck, both of us have our little indulgences and both of us need encouragement.

And it just so happens that one of us has a Stargate collection — and it’s me.