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Why saving money is for idiots

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Why saving money is for idiotsThese days it seems you can’t surf the Web without running into some self-proclaimed “finance guru” peddling easy, painless answers for complex money problems. These shysters are always going on about “saving money” and “planning for the future” while your bank account gets drained buying their expensive ebooks and PDFs. Well, you can throw their books in the book trash, because I have discovered one really simple and weird old trick that will end all of your wallet woes:

Stop saving, and start wasting money.

These false gurus all like to give wasting money a bad rap. They will dazzle you with some showy song and dance number about how delaying gratification will help you save for the future. But what the gurus never seem to bring up is that if you delay gratification, that means you aren’t being gratified right this second. And what’s more important than being immediately gratified?

You only have so much time to enjoy the fruits of life before you die or turn 30. Imagine if you just up and died tomorrow. Who would spend the money that’s in your pocket right now? Some lousy paramedic, that’s who. Drinks are on him tonight! Now imagine instead if you had spent that money at the club. Your last day on Earth would have been that much sweeter. And who would deny a dying human being one last moment of bliss? Those bullshit gurus, that’s who.

I want to tell you a story of two men. The rich man has a lot of money to spend. He throws lavish parties, huge bacchanalias with booze, drugs … the works. He owns three XBoxes. Meanwhile, the poor man works hard and saves his money, probably to put his kid through vet school or whatever. Out of these two men, which one do you think is more fun to hang out with? That’s right: the rich man, because he actually spends his money and knows how to have a good time and has probably doesn’t constantly scream at cashiers at the Safeway.

A big problem with planning for the future is that nobody knows what’s going to happen in the future. It seems like just yesterday we were still using dollars to pay for goods and services. Now we’re all using Bitcoins. Next week we’ll be exchanging some sort of giant seashell currency. What’s the point in saving your Bitcoins if that’s going to happen? And what about that Marxist proletarian revolution we keep hearing so much about? The whole thing seems like a wash if you ask me.

As for trying to save money, the strategies the gurus recommend do not even work. For example, the “extreme couponing” fad actually costs you money, since the amount you save for the amount of time you spend clipping coupons is less than the minimum wage. If you had spent that time mining coal or precious bauxite instead of listening to the gurus, you would have wound up with more money in your wallet. Likewise, the time you spend planning for retirement or drawing up a budget could be put to better use, such as imagining yourself winning the lottery or hoping really hard that you find a satchel full of Mafia gold in the woods.

As Oscar Wilde said, “Everything in moderation … including moderation oooh hoo hoo *devilish grin*.” So ignore those sad sack gurus and start living large. Spend your money and stop worrying about the future. If you don’t, you’ll regret it when you’re dead.

(Photo by Jordan Martin, used under CC BY / used in photo collage using Wikimedia Commons image)

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38 Responses to “Why saving money is for idiots”

  1. bloodbath says:

    I don’t use my bank to ‘save’, the interest rate is much too low. I keep money in conventional savings account not to gain interest but as a safe place to park it while I seek investments with an incomparable rate of return. For example, I deposited about 100k from realized capital gains at my bank then I researched stock mutual funds to invest in and instead of earning 1% per year at the bank, the MF awarded me over 15% gain.

  2. Joyce says:

    So, I have always been interested in Finances -60yrs old. I have never read anything this ignorant of the reality of everyday “life” in my life. Saving to be comfortable is a goal everyone should have. You can enjoy life, but not overdo it – so you can live a less stressful life as you age. Not saving is an excuse for excess. Get what you need, hopefully and have some wants. PERIOD!

  3. Wayne says:

    Silly, just plain silly.

  4. So… shouldn’t your “living large” recommendation also be followed in moderation? :)

  5. joe says:

    was this posted on April 1st??

  6. cadmonium says:

    Are you really 20? With zero life experience and you’ve never lived on your own before? Wow! if you made this a parody, then that could have playful but …

  7. Harley says:

    Is this a joke? This has got to be the dumbest article I have come across on the internet.

  8. Anonymous says:

    I kept waiting for the punch line saying something like “just joking” but it never came. What if you live until you’re 80 or 90 are you then going to be a burden of the state or worse, your family? We don’t know how long we’ll live but the Dara’s pointing to living longer. I’d recommend a more modest spending plan like spending less on stuff you may not need, finding a vehicle that works for you and put money away, develop an emergency fund, etc. Good luck!

    Thanks,
    Greg


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