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Why saving money is for idiots

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Why saving money is for idiotsThese days it seems you can’t surf the Web without running into some self-proclaimed “finance guru” peddling easy, painless answers for complex money problems. These shysters are always going on about “saving money” and “planning for the future” while your bank account gets drained buying their expensive ebooks and PDFs. Well, you can throw their books in the book trash, because I have discovered one really simple and weird old trick that will end all of your wallet woes:

Stop saving, and start wasting money.

These false gurus all like to give wasting money a bad rap. They will dazzle you with some showy song and dance number about how delaying gratification will help you save for the future. But what the gurus never seem to bring up is that if you delay gratification, that means you aren’t being gratified right this second. And what’s more important than being immediately gratified?

You only have so much time to enjoy the fruits of life before you die or turn 30. Imagine if you just up and died tomorrow. Who would spend the money that’s in your pocket right now? Some lousy paramedic, that’s who. Drinks are on him tonight! Now imagine instead if you had spent that money at the club. Your last day on Earth would have been that much sweeter. And who would deny a dying human being one last moment of bliss? Those bullshit gurus, that’s who.

I want to tell you a story of two men. The rich man has a lot of money to spend. He throws lavish parties, huge bacchanalias with booze, drugs … the works. He owns three XBoxes. Meanwhile, the poor man works hard and saves his money, probably to put his kid through vet school or whatever. Out of these two men, which one do you think is more fun to hang out with? That’s right: the rich man, because he actually spends his money and knows how to have a good time and has probably doesn’t constantly scream at cashiers at the Safeway.

A big problem with planning for the future is that nobody knows what’s going to happen in the future. It seems like just yesterday we were still using dollars to pay for goods and services. Now we’re all using Bitcoins. Next week we’ll be exchanging some sort of giant seashell currency. What’s the point in saving your Bitcoins if that’s going to happen? And what about that Marxist proletarian revolution we keep hearing so much about? The whole thing seems like a wash if you ask me.

As for trying to save money, the strategies the gurus recommend do not even work. For example, the “extreme couponing” fad actually costs you money, since the amount you save for the amount of time you spend clipping coupons is less than the minimum wage. If you had spent that time mining coal or precious bauxite instead of listening to the gurus, you would have wound up with more money in your wallet. Likewise, the time you spend planning for retirement or drawing up a budget could be put to better use, such as imagining yourself winning the lottery or hoping really hard that you find a satchel full of Mafia gold in the woods.

As Oscar Wilde said, “Everything in moderation … including moderation oooh hoo hoo *devilish grin*.” So ignore those sad sack gurus and start living large. Spend your money and stop worrying about the future. If you don’t, you’ll regret it when you’re dead.

(Photo by Jordan Martin, used under CC BY / used in photo collage using Wikimedia Commons image)

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38 Responses to “Why saving money is for idiots”

  1. Claes Bell says:

    This post made me take all my money out of the bank in cash and burn it in a garbage can and I’ve never been happier.

  2. Dane says:

    Totally agree. Just took out a second mortgage to finance my hoard of seashells. Idiots don’t even realize I’m going to pay it back in six months with my shellcoin profits.

  3. Robert DeWitt says:

    Liked the article right up to the instant you decided a Paramedic would take a dead persons or any persons money. Probably making a point, but there are other ways. Just saying. Being a retired firefighter with 32+ yrs in the fire service.

    • Steve B. says:

      How much money did you take in homes and businesses? If you came across a safe loaded with cash did you ever come back later and take the cash?

    • Don Glover says:

      I would be disappointed if a paramedic DIDN’T take my money; at least then someone would be out spending it and stimulating the party economy. BRING IT IN GUYS! *every firefighter, police officer, EMT, coast guard, military personnel, security guard, mall cop, garbageman, private investigator, and astronaut comes in for a HUGE party!*

  4. Karl says:

    Is it April fools day?

  5. Lisa says:

    It is people like this who wind up on the welfare (handout) rolls and drain the life out of those of us who save and enjoy in moderation. This, quite simply, is dreck!!!

  6. Rich Guy says:

    Reading this article is for Idiots!

  7. Donald Trump says:

    I got rich because I paid people to cut out coupons for me.

  8. Keith says:

    please never waste the time of readers again. btw, FABIAN SOCIALIST is more apropos

  9. DIY Investor says:

    Also, you can get a great job as a Wal-Mart greeter if you reach your 60s to more than pay for the dog food you’ll be eating! Imagine the fun of participating in their morning company cheer leading meetings!

  10. MonkeyMonk says:

    I’m not sure I’m getting the point or the humor in this piece.

  11. Haha! Unfortunately there are people out there like that, paying the stupidity tax over and over.

  12. Ken Row says:

    What a waste of the time it took to read this! Unsubscribed.

  13. some person says:

    This article gave me the courage to quit my job this morning! Sayonara, stupid boss! Hello, free time and free spending!

  14. Claes Bell says:

    Guys, calm down. It’s satire.

  15. Mike says:

    Act III Scene II

    I have come to bury Caesar not to praise him…

    Very nice job Virgil…. I think I may save this article for my kids.

  16. Meagan says:

    Lol! This is hilarious.

  17. hoos says:

    never overestimate the comments section.

  18. I was about to drop off a large dollar-sign emblazoned sack of cash off at the local orphanage, but reading this article convinced me to host my first coke orgy instead and I couldn’t be happier. Thanks Virgil!

  19. Hultus Plinge says:

    I spend all my money on cocaine and am extremely happy. God bless

  20. Other1 says:

    Maybe, he is just suffering the money lost in a 401K or IRA? is good to externalize it! share with the folks energize the soul

  21. Shahid Khan says:

    I have to agree! Even though I’m a big saver, lately I’ve begin to wonder what good is all that money doing in my bank account.

    There is no guarantee I will live till I’m 90. There is nothing wrong with saving a little bit of money for bad times, but in moderation.

    On that note, I’m going to buy a late model car in the next few weeks (I’m tired of driving my 1991 Accord).

    Great article and point of view.

  22. Me says:

    Sometimes it IS hard to stop saving…I just had to sit down and have a serious talk with my husband. We’ve been saving all our lives, and are now retired, with plenty of money put away, and this guy doesn’t want to buy the retirement place of his dreams, because he’s still worried about spending…This is WHY we went without for so many years, to HAVE the dream retirement. Why leave it to the blood-sucking relatives?

  23. fabclimber says:

    You should save all you can. There are thousands of Gov’t agencies that have plans for that money. Just don’e be deluded enough to think you’ll end up spending it on yourself.

  24. Snape Prof says:

    I’m in. Just tell me where you get the money to get rich and spend it and I’m off to the races.

  25. Karl says:

    Saving= freedom. Debt= slavery.

    I’m saving because I have goals and I’m on way to meeting my goal of buying land and farming sustainably. I’m planning on a big enough farm to support others if they choose to join us.

    I’ve always saved. Primarily due to realizing at an early age that saving equals freedom.

    Also, opportunities to spend money are not appealing.


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