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Why saving money is for idiots

These days it seems you can’t surf the Web without running into some self-proclaimed “finance guru” peddling easy, painless answers for complex money problems. These shysters are always going on about “saving money” and “planning for the future” while your bank account gets drained buying their expensive ebooks and PDFs. Well, you can throw their books in the book trash, because I have discovered one really simple and weird old trick that will end all of your wallet woes:

Stop saving, and start wasting money.

These false gurus all like to give wasting money a bad rap. They will dazzle you with some showy song and dance number about how delaying gratification will help you save for the future. But what the gurus never seem to bring up is that if you delay gratification, that means you aren’t being gratified right this second. And what’s more important than being immediately gratified?

You only have so much time to enjoy the fruits of life before you die or turn 30. Imagine if you just up and died tomorrow. Who would spend the money that’s in your pocket right now? Some lousy paramedic, that’s who. Drinks are on him tonight! Now imagine instead if you had spent that money at the club. Your last day on Earth would have been that much sweeter. And who would deny a dying human being one last moment of bliss? Those bullshit gurus, that’s who.

I want to tell you a story of two men. The rich man has a lot of money to spend. He throws lavish parties, huge bacchanalias with booze, drugs … the works. He owns three XBoxes. Meanwhile, the poor man works hard and saves his money, probably to put his kid through vet school or whatever. Out of these two men, which one do you think is more fun to hang out with? That’s right: the rich man, because he actually spends his money and knows how to have a good time and has probably doesn’t constantly scream at cashiers at the Safeway.

A big problem with planning for the future is that nobody knows what’s going to happen in the future. It seems like just yesterday we were still using dollars to pay for goods and services. Now we’re all using Bitcoins. Next week we’ll be exchanging some sort of giant seashell currency. What’s the point in saving your Bitcoins if that’s going to happen? And what about that Marxist proletarian revolution we keep hearing so much about? The whole thing seems like a wash if you ask me.

As for trying to save money, the strategies the gurus recommend do not even work. For example, the “extreme couponing” fad actually costs you money, since the amount you save for the amount of time you spend clipping coupons is less than the minimum wage. If you had spent that time mining coal or precious bauxite instead of listening to the gurus, you would have wound up with more money in your wallet. Likewise, the time you spend planning for retirement or drawing up a budget could be put to better use, such as imagining yourself winning the lottery or hoping really hard that you find a satchel full of Mafia gold in the woods.

As Oscar Wilde said, “Everything in moderation … including moderation oooh hoo hoo *devilish grin*.” So ignore those sad sack gurus and start living large. Spend your money and stop worrying about the future. If you don’t, you’ll regret it when you’re dead.

(Photo [3] by Jordan Martin, used under CC BY [4] / used in photo collage using Wikimedia Commons image [5])