Last month I reviewed Financial Infidelity by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil and then followed it up with a giveaway in which I asked you for relationship and finances questions. Well, as luck would have it, Dr. Bonnie was gracious enough to take the time to answer each of your questions!

The answers are especially valuable because Dr. Bonnie is a therapist and not a personal finance guru. When it comes to money and relationships, it’s more about emotion and psychology and less about hard numbers.

Q. Should couples keep separate accounts after moving in together or marrying?
A. Yes, they should for “guilt free” spending, autonomy so you’re not saying, “Mother may I?” (To avoid the parent-child syndrome.) After moving in, you need to see if you can trust your partner monetarily before you combine accounts. If you are married you need some independence as well as “joint” accounts.

Q. A good question that I think a lot of couples probably deal with is “how do you deal with it when on person is more frugal than their spouse?”
A. Appreciate and neutralize each other by using the “money love language” as a way out of the power struggle. A language that fosters clarity and empathetic listening and speaking.

Q. What kind of advice would you have for a couple in this situation: They keep separate accounts for their “personal” money, but one joint account for necessities. The husband, however, is constantly wanting to pay out of their joint account for meals out, movies, etc, that the wife would prefer to just skip, so that he can save “his” money to do other things with. She often ends up putting money from her own account into the joint account to cover the shortfall for his irresponsibility. This is a tough situation for her, because she really would prefer to save the money, but he sulks if he has to pay for these things.
A. They need to pay all their bills in the joint account first. He needs to contribute to this first. He then has a “guilt free” slush fund for expenses he wants after that. Then a third account -which they pay first! - for savings.

Q. When starting a new relationship with someone, what is the best plan of action or way to approach the “financial” side of it, especially when that relationship starts to turn serious?
A. In the early rounds of dating I recommend using the “money love language” and discussing your money history to hash out your differences which will make you stronger. Compromise and discussion will negate one person having more financial stability than the other.

Q. What happens when, after running separate finances for a while, couple has children and one parent decides to stay at home?
A. Whoever makes the money should not control the money – praise the person, appreciate the one that works hard even though they make no money. Share in the finances, do bills together, give the person the control of how much money they need!

Q. My wife has only worked part-time jobs thusfar in our marriage (she is a student still). As a result, the money she has always earned has been “her” money for buying clothes and such. Anyway, she still wants to keep “her” money separate once she starts a full-time job, and while that does not mean she won’t help out with things, she wants to employ her own strategy with bills, debt payoff, and such rather than combining together to tackle things.
A. She should have her own account for her own bills that she sees fit but it is also important to have a joint account so that you can work as a couple for “joint” expenses. She wants independence which is fine, but combine the “I” and the “we.”

Q. The dreaded question: prenup or no prenup?
A. Yes it is a good idea, if you are not going to be vindictive or want to hurt your partner you would want to make your partner feel safe. In order to successfully transition to a deeper level of communication and security in your marriage or relationship, a wonderful way to assess how a couple’s assets and debts will be divided.

Q. My girlfriend and I have recently moved in together. We were wondering whether we should sign a “co-habitation agreement” until we are considered common-law?
A. Yes, that would be advisable. Couples who don’t intend to marry may want to consider a co-habitation agreement – like a prenup without the marriage – so it protects you and your heirs especially if someone might be prone to over-spending or if you choose not to co-mingle your assets.

Q. In midst of our saving spree (grad school, ring, wedding, down payment on a house), is there any way to not feel panicked when we indulge in our hobbies? (His hobbies require big ticket items around $50-$1000, while mine are smaller around $10-50).
A. Yes. Use the money love language skills using the “bullet proof vest” exercise to discuss your differences. It is important to have guilt-free spending so you do not feel deprived and honor and support your partners as re-enforcement.

Q. Is any time of the year more financially advantaged to getting married?
A. Yes, so you pay less if you are married rather than being single, check with your accountant for recent laws before tax season.

Thanks Dr. Bonnie!

This promotional giveaway has ended, thank you to everyone who entered!

Yesterday I reviewed Financial Infidelity by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil and today I’m happy to announce that I have three copies to give away to folks who were interested.

How To Win

If you are interested, there are two ways you can enter:

• Leave a comment bringing up any sort of “couples and finance” question you may have. A good example is whether, before or after marriage, you should combine your finances. Another one is how a spender and a saver could address and perhaps work out a compromise before taking the plunge. Please be creative in your question.
• Subscribe to receive posts by email. I said in the past that anyone subscribed to the feed via email were automatically entered into giveaways and I’m sticking to it. So, if you aren’t subscribed, you can subscribe. If you are subscribed, good luck!

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To sign up to receive the posts on Blueprint for Financial Prosperity via email, enter your email address below. All you will get are emails from Feedburner (and then one from me when I select a winner for this contest and potentially future contests), otherwise you will receive no other emails.

Congratulations to Kaligirl, Brandon, and Raymond!

Financial Infidelity by Bonnie Eaker Weil is a book all couples should review. When I first saw the title, I immediately thought to myself - “Awesomedude (yes, I call myself Awesomedude in my brain), you and your wife communicate openly about everything so probably won’t get much out of this book.” So I let it sit for a couple weeks before I took a look at it, however I’m glad I did. Financial Infidelity isn’t a book for people dealing with financial infidelity, it’s a book for people in relationships and establishing a framework for open communication about everything (but focusing on the effect of money). If you have problems (and you’re not alone, financial infidelity is rampant), this book can help. If you don’t have problems, this book will uncover what you don’t know or simply confirm all is well going forward.

First off, this is not your typical “personal finance” book. Dr. Weil is a therapist, has been for over thirty years, and was named one of New York City’s top therapists by New York Magazine and one of America’s best therapists by Psychology Today (her credentials and appearances read like a laundry list of famousness). Financial Infidelity is a book about relationships and its effects on money. That’s right, it’s about relationships’ effect on money, not money’s effect on relationships.

What we do with money is merely a symptom of the problems we have be facing in our relationships. When you hide your spending from your significant other or spouse, it’s a symptom of a deeper problem. When you play games with money, either withholding it or using it as a weapon, it’s not about the money, it’s about the relationship.

The book begins with a discussion of the term Financial Infidelity. It may be an innocuous as participating in an office pool for the NCAA tournament or as deceptive as hiding your spending from your spouse, but it’s any sort of financial dishonesty. In the case of the office pool, it’s deception by perhaps accidental omission or lack of recognition (it’s just a pool, no big deal right?). In the case of hiding your spending, it’s flat out active deception with total recognition of the intent. In either case, it’s not being faithful to the team. A recent Harris pool showed that 82% of respondents have hidden purchases from their partners.

However, the important part of financial infidelity isn’t the dollar cost. It’s the underlying reason or reasons and the effect those will have on a relationship as the years pass. Just because you don’t talk about it, doesn’t make it untrue! If there is no other lesson in the book, it’s that you need to be open in your communication and tackle all subjects, especially the difficult and uncomfortable ones.

The second part of the book covers the seven steps that will “strengthen the trust and intimacy in your relationship” by identifying and tackling financial infidelity. These seven steps were created through Dr. Weil’s experiences as a therapist for the last thirty years.

• Step 1: Calculate the Cost - What the Balance Sheet of Your Relationship Reveals
• Step 2: Examine Your Power Dynamic - If Money Is Power, Is There a Balance in Your Relationships
• Step 3: Divest Yourself of the Past - Understanding Your Inherited Money History
• Step 4: Break Up with Your Money - Letting Go of Money’s Emotional Hold
• Step 5: Define the Currency of Your Relationship - Working Toward a “Free” Exchange of Love and Intimacy
• Step 6: Refinance Your Relationship - Reorganizing Your Priorities to Reclaim Lasting Love
• Step 7: Invest in Your Future - The ongoing Work of Maintaining Your Relationship

The book finishes up with a look at the biochemical component of financial infidelity. It’s a section that focuses on the more “dramatic forms of financial infidelity,” like compulsive gambling and binge shopping. It goes into topics like neurological imbalances and hormones and the like, it’s for when reason alone cannot explain the decisions some make with regards to money.

Lastly, one point a friend of mine, who had read the book, made was that this book differs from many other money and relationship books in that it didn’t blame anyone. She said that many books about relationships frame the woman as the crazy spender and the man as the one who uses money as a weapon. She said it was refreshing for her to read a book where those stereotypes weren’t used.